Rekindling
by YoungBoch
Summary: At first, she didn't know what to make of him. As time moved on, she found the difficulty in living without him. Finally, she finds pain in rekindling. A choice must be made, eventually.
1. Chapter 1

A/N – Hey all, it's been awhile. Let's skip the formalities and jump right in – assume the first two movies hold, with some alternate universe aspects. These will be explained shortly. Here we go…

_Prologue – Unbesiegt_

"Please excuse the lack of meat." She finally broke the deafening silence that's been plaguing this table for far too long. I'm really not sure what she expected – a distant father, a spineless boy, a drunkard, and a doctor. This sounds like the set up to a poorly written joke. "I can't stand the sight."

"It's quite alright," I've never spent extended time around the Commander. In fact, we were never formally introduced until a few minutes ago, "You should take your time cooking. The cuts on your hand, they're excessive." She blushes at the comment, and Ikari shifts in his seat. The elder has done no more than greet Shinji, and yet he's concerned with the doll's hands. Pathetic. Both of them – the boy for wanting his attention so much, and the man for not giving it.

A small banquet hall somewhere in the bowels of Nerv served as our buffet, and to the surprise of everyone, it was quite well put together. The room was clearly intended for important meetings to be held over food, signaled by the solid oak table, elegant lighting, and pleasuring coats of paint on the walls. It was beautiful, in short. In all honesty, I haven't taken in the scenery – my eyes are having trouble averting from the food on my plate. You could see the tension radiating off the food.

"So Commander, did Shinji tell you about their little field trip? The kids haven't ever seen wildlife quite like that before, it was a valuable experience for them," Misato's shaking voice brought attention to her demeanor.

"I'm aware of it, yes. I'm the one who approved it," he casually patted his lips with a napkin. Misato sighs, knowing her attempts at breaking the ice failed, "Rei, why is it you don't eat meat? I don't believe you've explained this before."

"The taste," no hesitation. Such a good girl, "It's not a question of morals, I just don't like the taste. As for preparing it…" she stared down at her soup through her pause, "I try and leave that for those more experienced." She smiles at Shinji, in her own way.

"You know," Misato speaks into the rim of her wine glass before taking a sip, "This is the most awkward dinner I've had in a while." No one said a word.

The dinner came and went, and any intentions that Rei may have had burned long before the end. I doubt that idiot even noticed, but not once did his father concern himself with anything but Rei – frankly, it creeps me out. All of his questions, all of his conversations, everything. Granted, there wasn't much quantity to base that observation off of, but the fact still remains. Oddly, Rei seemed far more disappointed by the whole escapade than Shinji did. It was almost as if he expected this. The Commander quietly excused himself when his gray-haired assistant came in with an urgent phonecall that apparently couldn't wait. So self-centered…

"I apologize for this," only increasing the uncomfortable taste in everyone's mouth, Rei bowed an asked for forgiveness to Shinji as we were leaving. The girl was clearly embarrassed as she scampered away like a scared mouse. He didn't even have the consideration to comfort her. We left in silence.

"You're pathetic, you know." I sit there staring at the passing landscape with arms and legs crossed, "You need to demand your father's respect if you're going to get it."

"Asuka, not now." Misato shoots me a knowing glare through the rear view mirror. The boy sitting a few inches away stares down at his laced fingers. With a huff, I go back to watching the land pass in front of me.

I've grown tired of this place already. These people, they're just so dull! I'm bored out of my mind. They're constantly apologizing, they all seem to have walls up to rival my own, and with the exception of Misato, not a one of them can stand up for themselves. Even worse is that I have to live with them! Rei has it made – living on her own, doing what she wants, when she wants. Granted, her window has the lovely view of train tracks, but that doesn't change my point. On the plus side, even I have to give credit where credit is due; Shinji is one hell of a cook. He does my laundry, makes my meals, and cleans up after my messes. He's like a little butler, minus the English accent.

I've grown accustomed to the idea of him as entertainment. A friend? In no stretch of the imagination, no. But he's someone to talk to on those days I'm feeling particularly chatty. I truly wish, however, that I wasn't forced to live with the boy. Sometimes, his angst is simply too much for me. I wish he would either break down to nothing like Rei or finally grow up. Choose one, Third. For tonight, at least, he chose the former – shoulders slung low, he drug himself into his room and slid the door shut.

"You need to work on that, young lady." She was clearly speaking in a soft tone intentionally, "Apologize to him. You don't get to say whatever you want when it pops into that head of yours. That whole fiasco was about bringing him and his father together, and you belittling the situation isn't going to help."

"Apologize? Absolutely not, no. It's not my fault if he can't connect with his father," hands behind my head, I walk past her and into my room.

Hours pass, and I'm still staring at the blue hue on my ceiling. Why am I bothered so much by what she said? Okay, I admit that I may have been slightly rude, but my comment still stands. If no one ever tells him what he's doing wrong, how will he learn? But still… I can see what she means. It wasn't the time or the place. He'll get over it, just like he does everything else. And if he doesn't… well, not my problem.

The thin walls don't do much to hide his tossing and turning.

With a sigh, I get out of bed and argue with myself as I cross the hallway. Those stupid headphones were resting in his ears, but a twitching eye he displayed told me he knew I was here. Playing possum, I see. No, we're talking whether you like it or not. I'll play your game for now. In a repeat of a few nights ago, I lie with my back to him.

"I'd… rather be alone," his sentence trails off at the end, and I simply assumed that's what he said.

"Tell me about your mother." Not so much as a twitch, "I'm not asking."

"There's nothing to say. She died… that's about all I know. Father hasn't told me anything beyond that, and I was too young to remember much of anything else. I don't even remember her face." He curls up ever so slightly, "Why are you here?"

"I don't know anything about you, and since we're going to be living together, I figure this is for the best," even I knew that I was lying to myself.

"And what about you?" I wait a long time before responding, hoping he would give it up.

"German, born and raised. That's all you need to know." He doesn't deserve my story. We fell flat after that, and I assume he eventually fell asleep… at least, that's what happened to me. The next day, I woke up to a lone bed with the silk touch of eggs wafting my nose. Saturday mornings are not my forte.

"Breakfast," he spoke with enough force to be heard, but it was hardly a waking call. Rubbing my eyes, I throw on a pair of sweat pants and drag myself into the kitchen. As always, Misato was apparently gone long before either of us woke up. The woman runs off coffee and ethanol.

"What else can you tell me about yourself?" I fall back into the table chair, awaiting my food to finish cooking. He glances back at me with a clearly confused face.

"What's with this sudden interest? You haven't cared about… well, anything before. Nothing about me, at least." I let out a small growl, "Fine, fine. There's not much to say that you don't already know. I've lived with my teacher for most of my life, my father left me with her years ago," I could tell that he stopped himself, "It's your turn. Tell me something I don't know." Was that aggression?

"Just because I'm asking about you doesn't give you the right to ask about me. Know your place – I rank above you, show some respect," his typical sigh cut me off, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, here." He drops a plate of food, enough clearly intended for two, in front of me. Never meeting my eyes, he retreats back into his room. Damn it, Asuka…

The rest of the day passed without so much as a word. He did eventually wander his way back into the living room, but my few attempts at striking up a conversation were met with short answers. I even tried joking with him, mocking that prehistoric cassette player he has glued to his hip. Nothing. I eventually gave up and drowned out my thoughts with the handheld game I've grown accustomed to.

"So… are you hungry?" Dinner time crept up on us, and he still hasn't eaten a bite, "If you don't eat, you'll keel over. I can't have that if we're called into duty." No response, just a shrug as he stared at the ceiling. He's been sitting on that sofa for the last hour, and I can't seem to get any stimulus out of him, "You know, I'm trying to be nice. You should show some gratitude." Still nothing, "Okay, fine, I get it. I'm sorry, alright? About what I said in the car." That quite literally burned as I spat out the words.

"Your mother. Tell me about her," with a straight face, he looks over at me on the floor, "You talk in your sleep." He must have seen how taken back I was, and I was forced to break eye contact, "You said it yourself. We're living together. You don't like me, I don't like you – but we have to coexist. I could excuse how you treat me if you gave me some reason, but right now, you're just mean. All the time." Without a word, I get up and display my white flag in the form of scurrying off into the safety of my room.

How _dare_ he say that to me? My life is none of his business! And saying that I'm mean? It's not my problem if he can't take a jab every now and then! But I ran… I couldn't say anything. I wanted to get up and hit him for treating me that way, but the most I could do was run away like a little girl. He's not going to tell me how I feel! He has no idea! No, no. I absolutely refuse to let him beat me like that. He's not going to act like he knows me! He hasn't even tried to create any kind of relationship with anyone in this house, and he has the audacity to sit there in judgment? Leaving my pillow full of dents, I storm back out into the living room to see him in the same spot as half an hour ago.

"You have some nerve, Third. You assume, you pass judgment, you tell me how I'm feeling, and you think I'm not going to say anything back to you? I'm not some attention craving child like you, I was forced to grow up fast. Frankly, you should learn from me." His response of a weak smile only served to infuriate me, "What? Spit it out!"

"I'm not the enemy, you know. It wouldn't hurt you to talk to me like a human being. You don't want to tell me what happened in your past, and I get it. It's clearly painful for you. But if we're going to live together, you need to take it easy on me. I can't take the constant scolding." I stomp my foot in rage, making him jump.

"It's not painful! Stop that! You have no idea where I've been!" Why have I not struck him yet? He's asking for it at this point!

"Then tell me. Make me understand why you're yelling right now." I'm not sure why I was caught so off guard by that comment. Most likely due to his sudden aggression – we've ever thrown the ball back and forth this long. He's always the first to quit, but I'm reaching my limit.

"She left me!" With clenched muscles and another stomp, I blurt out my hate unintentionally, "Are you happy now?" my throat is starting to hurt…

I'm not sure what happened next, to be honest. With my eyes pinned shut, I didn't see him approach me. It scared me at first, and I have no idea why I didn't push him away. In the right mind, I would have never allowed him to touch me, let alone hug me. It's not possible that he saw my tears… did he? The idiot didn't say a word. It must have been like hugging a lamp post, every muscle in my body was tensed to the point of pain. I hated him for bringing me to this, but more than that, I hated myself for letting it get this far. He didn't even have to try very hard, I just lost it. Why has he already become my kryptonite? First cooking for him, and now this… I don't know what to do.

"Stop acting like you're alone." With that, he made his way to the kitchen, "Misato always calls when she'll be home early enough to eat, so I guess it's just us. Beef and ramen sound alright?"

Damn him…

The following weeks were interesting. I'm not sure what it is about me, but Shinji doesn't act like himself when I'm talking to him. Even to Rei, he's a timid puppy that hurries away and apologizes at the smallest instance. I hate that side of him, it's so unbecoming. However, for some reason, he grows a temporary spine when he speaks to me. He's aggressive, he attempts to take charge. This is the side I've grown to enjoy being around. I'm not quite sure why he has this bipolarity that manifested itself through the course of our relations, but I quite enjoy it. Even Misato has pointed out that he has begun to fight back when we have our petty bickering at home. He doesn't lie down and take my abuse, he dishes it right back. It's entertaining, to say the least.

We started spending more time together after that… at least, we were doing it intentionally. Just friends getting lunch, catching a movie, going to the park, talking on the sofa. Anything, really. I grew to enjoy his company, and he grew to expect mine. He says that I've started going easy on him compared to when we first met, which honestly is not a particularly impressive feat. Sure, I occasionally have to remind him who's in charge, but I don't see a need to be so damn aggressive towards him. Shinji is the first person in my life to show that the aggression wasn't needed, and was in fact counterproductive. I can't say what that says about us, but I can say that I'm comfortable around him… well, not _say_ it, but acknowledge it. He'll never know what he's done to me, simply because I won't allow it. He can't be allowed to have that much control.

_Chapter 1 – Heimwärts _

"No crying, understand me?" He drove in silence, something I'm not quite used to, "This is temporary. We've already spoken about this, drop the sad face. It's really starting to bug me," we share eye contact for a brief moment before his eyes avert back to the road.

This is a boy who doesn't deal with change very well. Today is far from a surprise, we've been preparing for this moment for nearly a year. I may come across as if I don't care about the situation, but in reality, I'm heartbroken. I'm dying inside. Though I'd never outwardly admit it, I've grown accustomed to his face.

As horrible as this is to say, none of us pilots enjoyed the time of peace following the last angel. We took it for granted at the time, but we were young teenagers piloting giant mechs – the stuff movies are made of. Literally. They made a movie about us. We were heroes… for a time. The public eye is a fickle thing, and within a couple years, we were able to go anywhere in the city without being recognized. Misato was happy for us, she said that we could start living a normal life, that we could be just like everyone else. What she didn't understand was that everyone else had a boring life, and we were now in the same circumstance.

Without Nerv forcing us to be together at all hours, we drifted apart for a time. Rei and Shinji still went to school, but it came as no surprise when they conveniently stopped being put in the same class. It also came as no surprise when Rei graduated as valedictorian, while Shinji barely got a diploma. As for myself, I was forced to wait until I was sixteen before they let me step foot in any med school. Never mind the fact that I passed the entrance exam with flying colors, I was still a child in their eyes. Fast forward three years, and suddenly I'm the youngest resident doctor in the world right now. Hospitals from around Japan begged for my position, but I settled on the sub-par hospital in the Geofront. That was, unfortunately, the last time I let Shinji hold me back.

Needless to say, we eventually began dating. That's what happens when you stick two children in the same house for long enough. There was no defining moment, no Hallmark kiss, no quintessential date to start our relationship. We were simply having dinner one night when I came to the conclusion that, beyond titles and a physical connection, we were a couple by definition. He didn't take much convincing, clearly.

I've grown tired of him, however. Or rather, I've grown tired of the path he's set for himself. I very rarely let him know, but I certainly do love this boy. I have no complaints… other than the fact that he is on the road to be a bum. A diploma with no intentions of college does not make for a comfortable life, and frankly, I can do better. It's too bad, honestly. I would marry him tomorrow if he had his act together. But I've shed my tears, alone, mourning this loss. I've grown to accept it. Again, this was no surprise.

I fully expect Rei to take my place in the coming years. She has changed immensely since the days of our youth – both emotionally and physically. While her monotone voice is still very much present, she has the ability to carry on a normal conversation. Right around junior year is when she began displaying emotions like the rest of us, and she's never made it a secret about her crush. However, that's all I believe it is. Shinji will rebound to her, and who knows, maybe they'll live happily ever after. I doubt it, though.

At least she's on the right path. She starts working towards her degree in physics this coming fall, and I honestly hope the best for her. Her and I never quite saw eye-to-eye, but we did grow to respect one-another. Turns out it just takes a fist fight for girls our age to get along.

Nerv was gracious enough to offer all three of us jobs, given our skill sets. The fact of the matter is that the human race is never certain of its safety, so all governments supporting the program continued to do so long after the angels stopped appearing. There was never any defining explanation, but after the angel that literally fell from the heavens, they simply stopped showing up. There were apparently supposed to be many more, but as it stands, humanity is holding its breath. Nerv is very much here to stay, and both Shinji and Rei have accepted their offer. I, on the other hand, have no such obligations to an organization that put us through hell. They treated us like cattle, and I refuse to be a part of that. I'm sure there will come a time when I'll be asked to pilot again, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Silently, we walk through the airport. Neither one of us has anything to say, or, at least, has the ability to say it. I'm shaken, there's no denying that. He's clearly more so. And here we sit, waiting for my plane to board, waiting for our hands to break contact for the final time. We catch eye contact infrequently, but when we do, I'm lost in his eyes for an eternity. He's always the first to break it. Finally, he speaks up.

"Asuka…" his voice is noticeably shaken, "I'm… sorry, you know. For not being better. I don't agree with your decision, but I understand it." I grip him just a little tighter.

"Yeah." It's all I could muster. We both are well aware of why this is happening, and frankly, it's his fault. I won't let anyone hold me back from the life I want for myself, not even him.

"My… my father told me that I'll be trained. I don't have the scores to enter any kind of school, but I'm being employed as an intern engineer. It'll be a longer road, but I can learn this way. I'd be able to take care of you, then." His almost frantic voice disgusted me.

"Shinji, listen. It's not about you taking care of me – I don't need that from you or anyone else. It's about class. I passed up amazing opportunities years ago when I first began my career, and I did it for you. But this is another league. Germany leads the world in medicine, and an amazing hospital wants to start grooming me to be one of them. I can't pass that up. I offered you to come with me, but if you recall, you said no. How is that supposed to make me feel? What do you have here?" I've since let go of his hand, "You're letting me leave for what?"

"I belong here. I can't survive outside of this place." Pathetic, "Okay… five years. Understand me? I'm coming for you in five years. When I'm done growing up, when I've caught up to you, I'll come to you. I need to finish my time here, but in the meantime," he reaches in his pocket and holds it out in front of me, "Wait for me?"

It was far from anything fancy – it's what he could afford. A simple gold band with a small diamond, nothing else. Regardless, he could see how taken back I was. I close my eyes, smile, and let my head fall onto his shoulder. "You're so selfish, you know that? Wanting me to yourself for that long." I lean back up and take the ring, slipping it in its rightful place. I could see his eyes glimmer, "Understood. Not a day longer though, do you hear me? Five years from today, that's all you have."

Alone on the plane, in front of everyone, I cried. But I refused to let him see me. Part of me was furious at him for not letting me move on with my life, but the majority of my soul was smiling. This wasn't some childish promise – I very much consider myself engaged, until he shows me otherwise. I'll wait for you, Shinji. God help you if you let me down.

My first year in Germany was hell. Absolute hell. No more than a few months after I got there, Japan resumed its long-forgotten isolation. Trade, military relations, communication, everything. An official reason was never given, but most assume it was due to their supreme position in the world; with all Eva units under their control, what use did they have for anyone else? War never broke out for the same reason. Machines used to bring down gods could easily crush an opposing nation. They were cut off, and by proxy, so were Shinji and I. We never even got to say goodbye – we exchanged an email setting up a time to video chat, and within the six-hour span between the message and our time to see each other, it was all over. Japan had become a safe without a key.

He was my rock… for a quarter of my life, that boy kept me afloat. I could never bring myself to tell him this, but without him, I would have been lost. I needed him, and they took him away from me. I threw myself into my work, pulling nearly eighty hour weeks fueled by caffeine and the anxiety of going home to an empty bed. Through that time, though, I grew. I became damn good at what I do, and by the end of the second year, I was back on top. I was the medical voice of Germany – my patients were of the top echelon. No, not celebrities: politicians, ambassadors, billionaires. If you were important or had money, you saw Dr. Shikinami. Oh, but I wasn't reserved for the high and mighty. I eventually found a soft spot in my heart for the abandoned, the unwanted. Orphanages were my most frequented visits, but I made rounds in rehabilitation hospitals, hospice clinics, and prisons.

All of this, however, came at the sacrifice of anything resembling a life. By the end of my fourth year in my homeland, I hadn't made a single friend. Sure, I had acquaintances that I nurtured for the sake of professionalism, but not once did I meet up with a friend to relax. Heal, exercise, eat, sleep. That's all I did, day in and day out. I believe I lost myself by the fifth year, turning into a robot to simply get through the motions. Asuka died long ago, and in her place stood a woman healing Germany. I was sacrificing myself to them, but it wasn't for them. I never lost sight of the knowledge that I was running. Of course I knew it, that I did all this to stay away from that damn empty house. As the number of rooms in my home grew, the less I wanted to be there. All of that has a way of catching up to you, however. At the ripe old age of twenty four, a heart attack forced me to my knees in the middle of treating a stab wound in a prison.

The public… they cared about me. Studies in psychology were conducted at the nation's response to my sudden frail state – everyone refused to be treated by me. I was literally told to go home by people on their death bed. Politicians told me that losing Dr. Shikinami would damper Germany's already broken spirit, prisoners told me that my departure would mark the death of the last person that cared. Thugs, children, and leaders alike wanted me well, and their idea of doing that was bed rest. "Come back in six months," they'd say, "We can wait until then. Get well, now."

Damn them. None of this – none of it – was for _them_. It was never about them. I couldn't care less if they lived or died, it was all about the thrill of beating death. I could turn back the clock with my hands, and they dare to take that away from me? They force me into isolation, in this empty mansion? I'm done when I damn well say I'm done! They have no right to tell me how to live my life!

So, again, I was alone. I would have gone insane, I really would have. My mind grew accustomed to constantly being stimulated, and going from full throttle to zero overnight took its toll. I tried reading, I tried research, I tried picking up another language. Nothing distracted me enough. I could still see his face, and that simply wouldn't do anymore. In a particularly emotional night, I believe something snapped in me. Sobbing and screaming into my pillow on the floor, I pounded my fist into the tile. For that moment, for the fleeting instant when metacarpals snapped under the force, I forgot everything. I could get away, after all. I just had to distract myself. I kept her in there for six months before walking away.

If these walls could talk, they'd scream.

I'm not stupid, I knew very well what the date was, and I'll be damned if I let it pass. My name has weight, and under the guise of a mission of peace, I left my home and boarded a boat heading for Japan. The captain was an old salt, a man clearly having spent more time at sea than on land. Japan could hardly say no when my request came – not only a former pilot, but one of the world's best doctors? It wasn't a fight. Nerv knew very well that I was coming. In fact, I was to start working in their clinic before branching off into the rest of the nation. In reality, I had no such plans. I lost interest in healing long ago.

Upon arriving on foreign shores, I was greeted at the dock by an unfamiliar face, but a very familiar insignia on the uniform. We drove in silence through streets that sparked faint memories – the sparks grew into a roaring flame as we approached what I knew was the entrance to the Geofront.

"You got a name?" I addressed the man in black as we rode the lift down into the earth, "It doesn't matter. Do you know where Major Misato Katsuragi is? I'd like to touch base with her when we get there."

"There is no Major by that name, ma'am. Katsuragi works beside the Commander, she is his advisor. And yes, she requested to meet you long before you were given clearance to come. That is where we are going now." Very to the point, I like that. Apparently Misato has moved up in the world, though I can't say working next to Gendo all day is a promotion. The pay is nice, I'm sure.

We weren't off the elevator for long before the man opened a door with clear intentions of leaving me in there. It was a plain room: two chairs rested at a table contrasted by a stark white room. No adjectives to explain, the room was the definition of dull.

"Dr. Asuka Shikinami," a familiar, though aged, voice seems to appear from thin air. Walking in behind me as if she'd been following the whole time, she immediately takes a seat at the table. The years have not been kind to this woman; I assume it's from the stress of the job, but wrinkles were already beginning to dawn her young face. Her hair has lost that firm luster it once had, and has gone the way to a matte finish, "I've followed your escapades, you know. I'm very proud," a genuine smile rests on her lips, and I couldn't help but return it.

"Yeah, well, just doing my job. I just happen to be the best at it." I take my seat, somewhat upset that she didn't greet me with so much as a hug.

"You sure haven't changed much, have you? Still as arrogant as ever."

"I've earned the right," I see her eyes intentionally gaze at my left hand, and a smirk crosses her face.

"I see you've found yourself a man. Congratulations, I suppose, though I'm sure I'm late to the game." That ring has become part of me, she hasn't the slightest idea. With a smile and closed eyes, I hold the ring to my lips, "Seems special. Tell me about him."

"This…" I'm not sure why I couldn't get the words out. I coughed up the steel wool that was my admission, "Shinji, actually. The day I left. We were waiting for each other… can I see him? Like, now?" Jesus, I sound pathetic. Honestly, though, I don't really care. I need him. He's the only reason I've come this far. The only reason I can still live with myself. Her smile and eyes avert from me, and a look of angst takes her over. My heart sinks, and I could feel my face pale, "… Misato?"

"Shinji is… he's grown up, in his own way," air rushes out of my lungs in a sigh, and I run my hands through my hair. With a pounding heart, I smile down onto the table, "Asuka, I'm just going to be frank. There's no other way to put this – he's plunged himself into his role here. A pilot, that's what he's become," with palms still supporting my forehead, I shake in denial. It doesn't matter what his job is, look at me! I became a doctor, that's all. And I'm still Asuka. I'm still his.

"Just bring him in here? Or take me to him? Misato, you don't understand," I finally look at up her and find a stern look being given back to me.

"No. You don't want this. Asuka, you need to hear me when I tell you that Shinji, as you know him, is dead. Gone. When Japan cut all ties, when he finally lost you, he became… a doll. That's the only way I can put it. If he's the reason you came back, you need to cut your losses and go home." She stands up and begins to walk by me. With head hung low, I grab her wrist forcefully.

"I'm no leaving… take me to him…" silence, "I said take me to him!"

I lost myself, again. I don't believe I hurt her, but I know I left a bruise. With my hands on her shoulder, I slam her back against the wall. Tears framed my face, and a look of sadness in her eyes told me that she's long come to accept what I'm struggling with. She sighs, looks down at my left hand, and slowly takes me into a hug.

"This is going to be hard for you. If you need to leave, just say the word, understand?" I make my nodding physically noticeable, and I feel a rush of adrenaline course through my veins. Like a child with a new toy, I pull back with a smile and urge her to lead.

A/N – Alright, so getting back into the swing of writing took me some time. For those of you wondering, I indeed did take a long hiatus from writing, and I can't honestly say that I'm here to stay. This story, however, will truly be finished in the coming weeks. A knee surgery will result in me having abundant time off, and I need to pass the time somehow. With the recent release of the new movie, a knee jerk reaction was to return to this one last time. In all likelihood, this will be my last fic. So enjoy, and bear with me as I once again develop as a writer. See you next time, and keep on keepin' on!


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING: The preludes to this story are quite graphic, and will be disturbing to many readers. While they aid the story along, they are not required to understand the plot. If you wish, skip the preludes and start reading at the chapter heading. Otherwise, enjoy.

_Prelude – Die Prügel_

I have to avoid that bar, I've visited too many times now. I don't need a reputation to build up – even though I'm not actively practicing anymore, I'm still very much in the public eye. No, I'll have to choose something further away from home.

The bass was deafening, and I could feel my lungs vibrate to the music. This isn't a place to socialize, this was a place to let loose, to become something you're not. Men and women my age surrounded me, all with drinks in their hands and glassed over eyes. They didn't recognize me, which will make this all the more easier. I came to escape, not to be stalked. But that didn't mean I wanted to be ignored. Skin tight jeans, a see-through top, and a fancy bra made sure I didn't have to worry about that. It also ensured that I wouldn't be sitting alone at the bar for very long. I felt my skin crawl when he sat next to me.

"Hey Red, what's your poison?" I could only assume what he said over the music. Not a bad looking man by any means; his own appearance clearly made him confident enough to approach a woman like me.

"Something strong." My eyes don't even meet his, I just continue to stare down at the glass of knockoff moonshine I was already working on. I hear him order for us, a pair of whiskey on the rocks. At least he's not cheap, I'll give him that.

Our interactions went as planned. As my blood became thinner, I became less cold towards him, going as far as to return the blatant flirting he was dishing out. I learned his name, though to be honest, I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Four shots and a few mixed drinks will do that to a girl of my stature. I'm far, far smarter than him; I knew his game, and I saw that he stopped ordering alcohol for himself some time ago. I let it go, though. The way I see it, free drinks are the best kind. By the last drink, I had become infatuated with him, and a familiar tingling overtook me. I'll give this man credit, though. He wasn't looking for a drunk girl, he was mingling.

"It's getting late. How about I take you home?" I sloppily shake my head, letting it fall on his shoulder. His smell… "Come on Red, let's go." With a grunt, he wraps his arm around my waist and guides me to my shaking feet. I honestly don't care where he takes me right now. He's a nice enough guy, and I feel safe enough. He reminds me of Kaji in that regard – looking out for the girl, even when the girl is a drunken mess.

He had apparently grown used to my overall silence, as he simply accepted it when he asked where I lived. I made no efforts to hide my staring at him as he drove, and to drive a point home, I bit my lower lip when we locked eyes at a red light. I'm smarter than you, remember that. Even like this, I'm the one pulling the strings. And after all, that's why I'm even here. It's why I watched him pull flatten out the futon, turning it into a bed, before trying to coax me into it. Sleep it off, he said. No, absolutely not. You're not in control here, and stop pretending to be. Like any man, he didn't take much convincing.

"Do you know who I am?" my erratic voice broke the silence of us frantically tearing at the cloth separating us, "You don't recognize me?"

"Really? We're doing this now? No, and if you remember, you said it didn't matter," he finally broke the nice guy attitude, handling me in a much rougher manner than before. I left it at that, gaining the knowledge I needed. From that point on, I became his. I didn't care what he did to me, largely due to the amount of alcohol he had no problems funneling to me. Don't pretend like you're innocent, you knew very well what you were doing. Fury washed over me when I found he was far too gentle once he took me, and I have no qualms with letting him know. I'm already on my back, there's not a single reason to be so nice! I'm some drunk girl you picked up from the bar! Don't pretend like I'm anything less than that! Grabbing the hair on the back of his head, I force his lips away from my neck.

"You get one warning. Hurt me. Beat me. Make me cry. If you don't, we're done here. Understand?" I let him go, and he looks down at me with questioning eyes, "Stop asking for permission! Just-" a pair of hands slam down around my throat, and I once again found sweet release in agony. For that night, I once again forgot about Shinji, though I honestly wish he wouldn't have left so many bruises.

_Chapter 2: Treffen_

I admit that I took some convincing, but Misato was right – I, for some reason, hadn't considered how different he was going to be. Five years may as well have been a lifetime, considering how young we were when I left. The years of young adulthood are a time of change, it's to be expected. Hormones level out, emotions mature, and one's life gets on track. After all, that was the entire point of this five year hiatus. Both Shinji and I needed at least a little time to mull over how to handle each other, and it's because of this that I finally broke down and allowed her to play her little game.

My first day at Nerv was spent learning the ropes of living. The base had turned into a small city in its own right, and all employees were expected to live on base. It wasn't forced, but it was strongly recommended… which is a nice way of saying it was forced. The neighborhoods that were set up were dawned with the same architecture the rest of Nerv had: plain white walls, concrete floors, fluorescent lighting. They claimed that this was for fortification, though I don't see what a few pieces of artwork would hurt. My point was quickly shown to be true as I was shown to where I would be staying.

Not that I disagree with it, but there has been somewhat of a caste system set up in this place. You live in accordance with your position. Doctors, engineers, and high-ranking officials lived in homes much more lavish and accommodating than janitors, cooks, and helping hands. While all branches of the neighborhood were simply hallways lined with doors, it became immediately apparent what type of profession lived where. When Misato showed me to my room, the doors became much further apart, the hospital-esque design was replaced with what looked like a high end hotel, and even the air seemed to be of higher quality. While I don't imagine I could ever call this place home, I certainly won't mind living here. So long as those lower on the totem pole keep it clean.

By the time we reached my room, it had only been a few hours since I arrived, and yet all of my belongings were resting nearly in the middle of a penthouse living room. I certainly prefer a more Victorian style of decorating, but I suppose the ultra-modern accommodations will do. The entertainment system in the living room alone would cost a year's salary for those beneath me, and yet it was simply thrown at me without a second thought. I was given a bathroom I could run laps in, a bedroom large enough to fit a fireplace, and a kitchen suited for a chef that I certainly wouldn't be using. A smile crossed my face when thinking of the meals he'll make for me in there.

Misato informed me that I'm being treated as an honored guest, as I very well should be. I can heal circles around any doctor in this place, and they should feel lucky to even see me here. They knew it, I knew it. The look of shock on her face when I admitted that she was right about waiting to see Shinji will haunt me – the fact that she was so surprised that I'd admit that I was wrong bothered me greatly. I suppose I really have grown over the years. Regardless, she was more than happy to take me up on my offer, though she took it a little far when she assumed I meant that I could wait until tomorrow. The look on her face still hovering over me, I reluctantly accepted.

Her and I shared a pair cocktails at my fully stocked bar, if only to catch up from the years. Her life had been very bittersweet since I left, a rollercoaster doesn't even begin to describe it. Despite the constant bickering and childish antics, she and Kaji were finally wed just a year ago, only to have him yanked away from her not even a month later. She seemed reluctant to give any details, though I sensed it was due to her own lack of knowledge – he's gone, presumed dead, end of story. On the bright side of her life, and something she made no secret of pride in, was the fact that she was second in command now. Gendo is apparently largely absent these days, leaving her running the entirety of Nerv by herself. By her accounts, she was damn good at it. Only a single angel appeared several years ago, and between 'Shinji's impressive skills' and her commandeering the pilot, it was disposed of before the naval angel even reached land. It was because of this reminder of threats that Nerv had access to nearly unlimited funds, though it bothered me greatly that she never went into detail as to what exactly that meant.

She needed no information on my life. In what vaguely sent a tingle down my spine, she had access to every bit of information I have gone through professionally. She knew of my charities, my internships, even of my complete lack of interest in dating. She never understood the latter until I told her of Shinji. For one reason or another, he never shared with anyone our promise… and that hurt. I openly wore his ring, never once taking it off for five years, and he couldn't be bothered to tell someone that acted like a mother to him? Misato saw the hurt in my eyes when I put that together, though she dashed that with a hand on the shoulder and a sweet smile. He has his reasons, she said. Whatever, was all I could reply.

"Well, this is where I part ways. I'm needed elsewhere, though you still have work to do. I've made the executive decision to make you his doctor – remember Ritsuko? Everything she was to you kids, you will now be to Shinji. I initially planned on having you treat our officers, but I think we'll both be happier with this decision. There's an office next to your bedroom, the code is 2-7-1-8. Only you and I know that, so keep that in mind. In there is a computer and a tablet, use them as you see fit. I recommend that you go over his medical records and sync scores, you'll need to familiarize yourself with his history. Ritsuko will show you how to work the command center later. For now, focus on that." She clearly heard me growl as she got up to leave, "I know, I know. I'm going to talk to Shinji right now, let him know about everything. He'll come to see you tomorrow, alright? Just wait for him in the morning, he has a sync test tomorrow that he'll guide you to in the late morning."

With a quick, yet hard hug, she departed, leaving me in this massive apartment. Count to ten, Asuka. Just count. Yes, I'm absolutely furious that I don't get to see him for what seemed like countless hours. But I need to keep telling myself that she's right. I was too gun-ho about all of this. I don't want his first memory of me to be of a giddy schoolgirl. Trying to rid my thoughts of him, I tried watching television… obviously to no avail. When it takes a beating to rid my thoughts of him, a sitcom doesn't even come close. With an aching back and flustered mind, I enter the office, finally agreeing with my mind that thinking about him wouldn't be so bad. I opted for grabbing the large tablet and made my way into the bedroom, falling back onto the bed with feet dangling off the side. Time to get to work, I suppose.

Initially, I found Shinji to be largely unremarkable. He had only grown two inches since we last met, actually making him a touch shorter than I am now, though he was above average for his descent. He weighed quite a bit, though. Far above average for that height, and something tells me he's not exactly fat. I'm not at all disappointed to infer that he has become muscular – judging by this weight, he's far from a body builder, but he is more than tone. I couldn't hold back a blush and a smirk, and this embarrassed me even in this solitude. Average blood pressure, he must eat well. Above average body temperature – completely normal. His vision has deteriorated in the last year, though not anything he'll need to correct any time soon. Completely normal. Perfect dental records, not so much as excessive plaque. Completely normal, for him at least. From a medical standpoint, this man is boring. There's nothing here for me to _do_, a part of me wanted to at least use my skills on him.

And then I began to skim his injury history. Nine out of ten metacarpals broken at one point, five out of ten broken multiple times. Compound fracture of the left ulna, excessive muscle damage from the bone fragments. Hairline fracture of the right radius, never treated. Transverse fracture of the right humerus. Another transverse fracture of the left femur. Multiple dislocated jaws. Internal bleeding caused by impact trauma. Permanent damage to the right lung and ears caused by sudden decompression. Both hip joints have been replaced, likely due to cartilage being lost. Two months spent in a coma. Eight months spent in rehabilitation after an undisclosed injury. Small aneurysm in the medulla. Another compound fracture of the left femur. Hairline fracture of the clavicle.

My body uncontrollably contorted as I hugged the toilet, emptying my stomach in a painful rush. Even when the bile was all but gone, I found myself heaving air into the filthy bowl. I was hardly past the halfway point in his history, and I couldn't hold back the violent reaction any longer. Those injuries… those injuries are not normal. None of this is normal. I know what I'm looking at, I have more than enough experience in this. Torture victims don't go through that kind of torment. I can hardly believe he can still walk, let alone pilot. What are they doing to him? Endurance testing? Why are there no causes listed on a single injury? What can they possibly be doing to him to shatter the strongest bones in the body?

I know I'm alone, and it's because of this that I held nothing back. Screaming, sobbing into the toilet, I held nothing back. I can't stop imagining what he's gone through, what I haven't even read yet. They hurt him… they hurt him! They've put him through absolute hell! Lab animals are treated with more respect! How many times has he screamed in these five years? How many times has he blacked out from the overwhelming pain? It's unacceptable! They can't treat him like this! They _can't_!

My fist pounding on the wooden cabinet next to me finally gave in, and a small shriek escaped my lungs at the sharp pain. Only another hairline fracture in a single metacarpus. Blood ran from my knuckles by the time my body couldn't take it anymore – likely only three fractures. I curled into myself on that bathroom floor, softly crying into my knees and gently holding my now bloodied hand.

"Shinji… I'm so sorry…" my own pathetic voice threw me into another rage, "No! You're not going to do this anymore! Get back here! Misato!" I had enough sense to use my sleeve to wipe the tears and bile before setting out, though the tears didn't stay absent for long. I stormed back from where she led me, screaming her name and getting the attention of more than a few guests. I saw their fear of me, of my bestial appearance. Bloody, matted, pale, flames in my eyes. She's going to answer me. She's going to tell me what they've been doing to him! "Misato! Get over here! Misato!" my voice was giving out as it rang through the hallways, and I was finally met with her along with several security guards jogging towards me, "You!"

I can't say I remember too much after that. My voice had turned into a growl as I lunged at her, only to be immediately held back by several guards. A strength I didn't know existed in me forced several large men to hold me back, and the fear on Misato's face as she took a step back only increased this rage. My body had enough, I reached a limit when one guard held a Taser to my abdomen for what felt like minutes. Passing out, the last thing I saw was her confused, fearful eyes.

Even through the daze of the recently lost sleep, I knew exactly where I was. The smell, the sounds, the air – a hospital bed, and my hand was throbbing. With my eyes closed, I let out a deep sigh. The adrenaline has long passed, and now only sadness consumes me. I can't stop thinking of the screams Shinji must let out, screams worse than Adala's. Her pain is dwarfed by his, and that terrifies me. Opening my eyes, I was met with a bare white ceiling. "I'm so sorry I left you, Shinji. I'm so, so sorry," while I didn't particularly care about the single tear running down my face, I certainly cared about the voice that made me jump out of my skin.

"You came back, that's what matters."

Had I been blind, I would have never recognized that voice. It was reminiscent of Rei in the monotone nature, but the deepened and mature tone enveloping it didn't even ring a bell in my head. He surely saw my widened eyes, and I became a deer in headlights. The man sitting so close to my bed was surely my groom, but had I passed him on the street, I doubt I would even take a second look. Pencil straight brown hair came back into a pony-tail, and I couldn't make out just how long he's let it go. A strong jawline was adorned with the shadow of a man at the end of a day, but it were his eyes that took me back the most. Darkened… I used to be able to read every emotion, but now I may as well be looking at a wall. He gave nothing, and yet a small, almost invisible smile let me know how he felt. I go to leap up at him only to find my arms restrained at the wrists. I surely looked like a puppy denied the freedom of a kennel, and he placed a caring hand on my cheek. He's kept the same smell after all these years. I couldn't help but close my eyes and smile at the embrace.

"Shinji," I whispered at him, nudging closer to the hand that embraced me.

"You caused quite the scene, you know," he began to unshackle me, and my first free hand immediately rose to meet his face. He's real… "You still have that fiery temper, I see. Hopefully you don't punch as hard as you used to, Dr. Shikinami." No sooner did he release the final shackle that I lunged at him, taking him into a hard hug. A single arm draped around my back, and I finally took in just what he's become. Hard, firm, sturdy… understatements. This is a man that has been conditioned, I'm hugging a flag post. I know that I wouldn't be able to move him if I tried. Even the neck I buried my face into was marble, and yet it was somehow comforting.

I silently thanked him for allowing me this comfort for some time. The object of my obsession was finally in my arms, and it would have taken a lion to tear me from him. I felt weak, pathetic for indulging myself like this. He wasn't supposed to see me like this as a first impression, but I couldn't hold myself back. I'm not dreaming! For once, I'm not going to have this torn away from me in a dream! Misato was right, this isn't the boy I left, and so far I'm very thankful for that. He's turned into a man, one that clearly still cares about me.

"Asuka," he finally forced me back and looked at me with the stern eyes he always wears now, only this time they were accompanied by a frown, "What happened? You weren't even here for a day. Do you have any idea what position you put Misato in?"

"I-I read your file," unable to stand that face, I frantically tried to explain away the spilt milk, "About your injuries. I didn't even finish, and I…" my eyes fall to the forearms holding me, the large scar on his right bringing back my anger, "What have you been doing all these years?" To my surprise, I was met with a deep sigh. How can he brush this off?

"You're going to learn a lot living here. You need to contain yourself, understand? They didn't force me into this life, I volunteered. Eva has changed a lot since you left. So have I. They trained me, hardened me. In terms of the Eva, I'm far beyond what they thought was possible. In the same way you're proud of your accomplishments, I'm proud of mine."

His monologue left me stunned. How could anyone agree to that torture? How was it even deemed necessary? I simply won't accept this. Even setting aside the fact that this is my fiancé, I took an oath to do no harm – something I've only broken with one person. This is nothing but harm, and I refuse to be a part of it. Angels have ceased, and while I can understand having a plan, there is no need to throw someone's life into the gutter. But I'm his doctor… surely, surely I can drive this away. I can do this, he just has to let me. I'll let him have this victory for now, but he certainly knows that I won't take this lying down.

"But enough of that," he loses the frown as he stands up, holding out his hand to me. In days past, this would have been his turn to smile… I miss that more than I think I can tell him, "I'm free the rest of the day, and I assume you haven't made plans yet. Hungry?"

Grabbing that calloused boulder of a hand, we walk out of the room, finally one again. It was far from anything special – out first date turned out to be in the company of nearly a hundred other people at the cafeteria. He has become a man of very few words; when asked about his life, the most he could come up with was how different the Evas are now. Specifically, the entry plugs. Honestly, I stopped listening when I discovered he was going to talk about work. I don't care! Tell me about you! Tell me about your stooge friends, about your inevitable friendship with Rei, about your father! Anything! He surely saw the disappointment in my eyes, as he allowed me to see a fragment of what he used to be in the form of a flustered change of topics.

"I didn't think you were coming back," he slumped his shoulders slightly as he began to play with the peas on his plate, "After the isolation, I didn't dream that I'd see you again. I can still hardly believe it, actually. I don't think you understand what a miracle it is that you were allowed to come home. You're…" our eyes lock, and I weakly smile at him. This is what I wanted. You're my Shinji, I remember this boy, "You're the best sight I've seen in a while."

"Careful, that'll give you cavities," a scratch on the back of my head jolted a memory in me, and he clearly saw my surprise when I held my right hand in front of me, examining it.

"Dr. Akagi said you didn't break anything. As for the cuts… well, talk to her about that. Way outside of my pay grade. Some gel they use, I don't know," finishing his meal, he pulls a pill from his pocket and expertly swallows it as if he was breathing.

"Whoa, whoa, what was that?" the dumb look he gave me forced my eyebrows to curl, "It literally couldn't be any more of my business. I'm your doctor, and your fiancé. What did you just take?"

"Once again, not my pay grade. The bottle is in my room if you want it. But all of that should be in my records that you were supposed to have read by now," his accusing tone forced a blush out of me, and he knew that I was beaten. He's become far more aggressive, and I can't say that it's all positive. He wasn't poking fun at me, that was just malicious. It reminded me of how I used to treat him when we were young teenagers, the difference being that we're going on ten years later. Like a beaten dog, I slightly curl into myself and go back to silently eating. I know he didn't mean much by it, I'm just going to have to get used to this. It's how he talks, I know that he still loves me. I know he does.

"The doctor sure knows how to make an appearance, doesn't she? I didn't even know you were back before I heard about you trying to murder Misato," a bright and shining voice sat next to me, setting a tray of food next to mine. When I linked the face to the voice, I was left with a very eerie feeling – like watching a kitten let out a tiger's roar.

"Rei?" for the first time in my life I saw her laugh, and it was directed at my shocked face.

"Yeah, Wondergirl in the flesh. I figured you two could use some company, things looked like they were getting tense. Shinji here can be rough around the edges. As long as you don't sneak up on him, he's harmless. A puppy with bared teeth, right?" she flicked a single pea in his direction, intentionally missing. With closed eyes, he clearly sighed in annoyance. Rei was… not Rei. Not at all, not even vaguely. Sure, I could hear her voice in there somewhere, but her entire personality has shifted. That girl I knew was dead, replaced with this chipper squirrel of a woman. My immediate thought after this was just how horrible she looked. Sleep deprived, skinny, paler than usual, white lips, yellowing eyes, brittle fingernails, dehydrated… oh God… I cut my gasp off before it surfaces.

"You're… wow. You're… very different, to say the least. You still work here? I would have expected you to leave, you've spent your life here."

"Yes, well, responsibilities and all. Life has a way of catching up. Right, Shinji?" I'm getting real tired of her teasing him like they're courting. I'm getting equally tired of him treating her with the emotions I've been trying to tease out since I saw his face. He shot her a look straight from hell, going as far as to let his upper lip twitch ever so slightly.

"Right, Rei. Speaking of, where is your responsibility? Don't you have things to tend to?" she casually continued to eat, completely blowing off his far from subtle tone of voice.

"Nope, not really. Your father is taking care of everything right now. I just came over to see an old friend. Misato told me all about you, by the way. We've got a celebrity on our hands! And not the reality show type. Who would have thought you'd become the face of charity? Surprised the hell out of me, I'll tell you that." Wow. Alright, then. Is she going out of her way to be rude? Is this some display of dominance? Because she knows that I'll win.

"And who would have thought the doll would learn to talk without a master?" Our eyes locked, and I immediately regretted what I said. She showed more than a little pain on her face, and she recoiled her emotions from that point on. I, on the other hand, refused to let her know my regret. A stern look cemented itself on me as I stared at her, letting her know that I'm not playing these games. You're not going to blatantly flirt with him in front of me, understand? I've gone through hell to get back to him, and I'll be damned if you take this away from me.

"Asuka," the way he looked at me… it honestly scared me. Bared teeth, furrowed brow, "Apologize. Now."

"I'm not a doll, and you don't need to be defensive. Shinji… is different now. He's a great man, but he's not what you left. I saw you two were struggling, and I wanted to help this along. I'm sorry for intruding, we'll catch up later," and with that, she was gone, leaving her food behind.

"She was-"

"I don't care," he cut me off before I could even form an excuse, "It wasn't your fault that you weren't here, but you weren't here – she was. Rei has become the most important person in my life. She's my best friend, my only friend, and not even you can treat her that way. You're…" he closed his eyes, composing himself as to hold back anything he may regret saying. His anger immediately subsided, and even through the hurt I was feeling, I was impressed at how quickly he was able to change his emotions, "You've complicated things by coming back. I'm not complaining, not even a little. I can't describe to you how happy I am that you're sitting here with me, but you're not going to like a lot of what you learn here. I hoped that your anger was under control by now, but if your knee jerk reaction to everything is _this_, you just can't be involved with Nerv." What he said cut deep, and he knew it. His words weren't said with anger, and that's actually what got to me – how matter-of-fact he was telling me this. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, and it was clearly my turn to talk.

"I'm sorry," barely above a whisper, but he got the message.

"Apologize to Rei. At the very least, you'll be working alongside her, so you need to get along," he stands up, cracking his knuckles as he does, "Take the hallway that way, all the way down. You can't miss it, Rei will show you how to run the sync tests. I'm going to blow off some steam." I couldn't bring myself to stop him, now clearly wasn't the time to object. He was right, after all. I had really thought that my anger was indeed under control, and in many ways it was. I wasn't set off by the smallest spark anymore. The issue arises when I finally snap; I absolutely lose it. I suppose that I was aware of this before coming here, it just happened so infrequently that I brushed it off as a non-issue. He was also right about me apologizing to her. Damn it…

The walk was not a short one, but he's right, I couldn't miss it. It was a straight hallway with no branching paths, not to mention this area rung a bell from my childhood. This area was heavily used during my piloting days, and I was able to use that in what little navigation I had to do. The door will come at a dead-end, and it will open into a massive command center, and there I will have to face Rei. Not even two minutes into walking down there, a door swung open and a small body crashed into my legs, sending it to the ground and knocking me off balance.

"Ow!" A small, sweet voice echoed, and I found myself looking down at a young girl rubbing the back of her head with closed eyes. The instincts I've been grooming for years kicked in, and I kneel down next to her.

"You shouldn't run inside, you know," with a sweet smile, I place a hand on her head. Pale skin, frail composure, same facial structure, and above all, blue hair. It didn't take a doctor to figure out Rei had a child, and her genes apparently run very strong. She was no older than three or four, Rei apparently got to work just as I left. Good for her, I suppose. Though I hope the girl has a dedicated father, Rei won't be there for this girl forever.

"I know," she sniffled through a response, and she finally looked at me with absolutely beautiful eyes, making me recoil just slightly. One eye looked at me with all the albinism of Rei, while the other was a deep brown. Heterochromia iridum, very rare to be so drastic. Likely inherited, and certainly from her father – Rei's condition mixed with someone of firm features could produce this, I suppose.

"No tears, come on," taking her hand, I help her to her feet while staying crouched down, "What's your name, honey?" She wiped the last of her tears and gave a weak smile before bowing.

"Ayanami, ma'am. I'm sorry for running into you! Bye!" she ran back into the room to meet with the group of equally young children playing some game. A preschool, huh? This place has everything, it seems. Closing the door as I left, it wasn't long at all before I reached the command center, and I found a lone woman working on the central computer, a completely blank expression on her face. This was private, I don't need eavesdroppers. Closing the door, I lean against the wall next to the entryway.

"You have a beautiful child, Rei. Very well mannered, too. You should be proud," she jumped out of her skin and visibly frowned at my appearance.

"I am."

"I'm not one for beating around the bush," I speak through a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood, "What I said was uncalled for. I'm sorry, and there's no excuse for it. I'm just trying to take all of this in. A lot has changed since I left. Too much." The fact that she continued to work as I spoke angered me, though I can't say I blame her for not wanting to do this, "Can't shake that German temper, you know?"

"Shinji still loves you. Never stopped, even if he gave up hope that you were coming back. Him and I… there's nothing there, so please stop being so defensive. He's my friend, I consider him my brother. He's protected me from everyone, and I've been there for him emotionally. But you… you need to find your place in his life. He wants you there, but your old role just won't do. Right now, he loves the idea of Asuka, but he doesn't love you. I think I could say the same about you. You love the idea of him, but you don't know him. Not anymore, anyway." I found it amazing how she was able to carry on a conversation while still typing away at her keyboard, clearly focused on what was on the screen. I knew she was right, it's not like that thought hasn't crossed my mind before. But she was also right in the sense that we'll find a place for each other again, and the fact that she acknowledged that helped me immensely.

"Tell me about him? He's so distant, he won't give an inch yet. All I know about these years is his medical record, which… well, you know," she motioned her head, guiding me to come sit next to her.

"Eva has changed, at least for him. For our other pilots, the traditional entry plugs work perfectly fine. For Shinji, we quickly realized it was a bottleneck. The injuries you saw, most of them at least, were from either training or actually fighting. Look here," she points to the screen, specifically at a column of a spreadsheet she was entering data into, "Sync scores. This is what someone can do when they work twelve hour days for five years. These are only from the past month, but they've been this way for over two years. He's able to choose his sync rate at will – drop it down when he's about to be hurt, spike it when he needs to fight. It's gotten to the point that 100% isn't a goal, it's expected."

"Fighting? There's only been one angel…"

"Is that what Japan is telling the world? Asuka, we don't know when they're going to stop. We're on number thirty-four. Why do you think we're putting this much money into Eva?" Misato is the one that told me about the one… why would she lie about something like that? "When we went into isolation, Shinji threw himself into this. He demanded that we make him the best, so we did. Physical conditioning, martial arts training, torture testing, endurance, countless hours spent in entry plugs – everything over the last five years has been working towards the goal of making the perfect pilot. We succeeded, and it only cost us the life of one broken boy. This is the world we're living in. It's not a happy one, but we're keeping everyone safe," throughout that, her eyes finally shifted to me, showing a strong determination that I was happy to see still existed in her.

"Thank you for finally talking to me, you're the first one to actually fill me in. But… well, not to be rude, but that's not what I asked. He said that you're his best friend. I want to know about _him_, not his work."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you – this work, it's what he is now. There are certainly other aspects you'll come to learn about him as time goes on, but this is the gist of it. Shinji is a hard, cold man, and he doesn't really care about anyone but you or me. Allow him to love you, and he will. Just… I want you to take care of him," before I could reply, the door across the room slid open, rudely interrupting us. I was annoyed at first, only to find little Ms. Ayanami in the arms of an imposing man, "Not now, please."

"She's ready to go home."

"I said not now, please," a sternness in her voice echoes through, and it fell upon deaf ears.

"Mommy! Grandpa said he's too old for me!" a sweet girl's giggle widened my eyes as they snap over to Rei. Her face was buried in a single hand, and her sigh told me more than enough.

A/N – Taking a trip down nostalgia lane, as it were. Chapter 3 is already well underway, expect me to wrap this story up within a handful of chapters. Until then, keep on keepin' on!


	3. Chapter 3

WARNING: The preludes to this story are quite graphic, and will be disturbing to many readers. While they aid the story along, they are not required to understand the plot. If you wish, skip the preludes and start reading at the chapter heading. Otherwise, enjoy.

_Prelude – Der Dunkelheit_

Sitting at the side of the bed, I tried to get my breathing and crying under control as I hugged my own torso. He stopped asking if I was alright a long time ago, instead opting towards doing exactly what I asked, all the while calling me some name I've never heard. He went on about how I took the kids – he clearly took this opportunity to take out his rage. I could have told him to stop at any time, and there were a few times that I came damn close. But I persisted, I took everything he had, and it fulfilled the reasons I was here.

"You didn't… have to go that far…" I spoke through my frantic breathing, and he had the nerve to laugh at me. God, this was a bad idea. He stayed away from my face, but I feel like I just got hit by a car. I may as well have been a ragdoll to him. I really need to look over myself when I get home.

"Listen, you told me to do it. Don't try and make me feel bad," I left it at that. No reason to try and argue, especially since he was right. By the time my tears had dried and my breathing was approaching normal, the cold night air was starting to get to me. This was the worst part of my new hobby: the cleanup. As I silently got dressed, I was forced to look at the bruises that were already forming. A mind engulfed in arousal and pain forgets everything but those two things, but my hormones have long faded away, leaving me with the familiar realization of what exactly I'm doing. Every time, every time I tell myself that this is the last time. And then the weekend rolls around, and I just can't take Shinji haunting me anymore.

"Drive me home?" I really do think that this is a kind man, he just has pent up rage. I can empathize with that. He gave no objections to my request, even offering to lend me a coat as he drove. I declined, unable to take his damned smell anymore. With a little direction, I found myself sitting in front of my home next to a wide-eyed young man. My inebriation caused me to forget what this must look like to him – my driveway occupied more land than his entire home.

"Holy crap, girl…"

"Get that mole on your chest checked out. Probably nothing, but maybe something."

My home was cold. It's always cold in here. Marble floors, high ceilings, empty rooms. Other than my basement and bedroom, this house is largely unused, and I don't bother paying to heat the entire thing. Not to mention that I've found comfort in the discomfort. The last few months have been a downward spiral for me, ever since I was forced into a hiatus and I discovered what pain can do. It started off simple enough, just training on my punching bag until the knuckles were bloody. That quickly got old, and life is nothing if not a slippery slope. I've now gotten to the point that I require sexual and physical assault to get the same effects, and I fear what I'll need next. No bother, I'm only a few months away. My request to visit has been granted, and I'm set to see my love very soon. Until then, however…

She's an absolutely beautiful girl in her late teens, just out of high school. White-blonde, pencil straight hair met her shoulders, and those crystal blue eyes, anyone could get lost in them. So mild mannered, but she tried to act tough, given the circumstances. Adala just had a run of bad luck in her life, jumping from foster home to foster home before finally being kicked out onto the streets in the middle of winter. She would have surely died if it weren't for me. Homeless shelters are no place for a girl like that, and living on the streets in the dead of winter in Germany is simply not an option. I found her picking dinner out of a dumpster behind an Asian food restaurant, and she was all too happy to follow the great Dr. Shikinami home for dinner. I'll get you cleaned up, give you a full belly and a warm bed. It's no bother, really. I have more room than I know what to do with. Please, make yourself at home, the bathroom is on the right.

Please, please let me go. I won't tell anyone, I swear. Just no more, please. God she's pathetic, it disgusts me! Own up to your mistakes, damn it! You're here because of the choices you made! You put yourself here! You chose to leave him, no one else did that! An ever so small slice of the Achilles tendon made sure she wouldn't go anywhere, and a simple binding of zip-ties to a bed post kept her still. Her deafening screams would go unheard, her pleas for help and mercy falling on deaf ears.

Do you even want to leave anymore? Look at yourself. Who would want this broken mess of a human being? No one wanted you when you were beautiful, especially not now. Soldering irons to the irises, roof nails to the ear drum, teeth plucked out and saved like so many flowers. You're no good to anyone, and you deserve nothing but this anguish.

No, Adala. No you can't go, because I'm not done yet. Unfortunately for you, keeping people alive is what I'm best at.

_Chapter 3: Blut_

"This whole time! He's had a daughter this whole time! Jesus Asuka, how stupid can you be?" I think that I've finally come full circle, my rage turning into a frantic laughing mess as I pace my living room. I loved that man, he has no idea what I've done for him! And to lie to my face? She's a friend. My best friend. Bullshit! I didn't even stick around to hear an excuse, I left Rei and her bastard of a child standing as I stormed off to my room. He proposed to me! I was ready to cut ties, to let him live his life, but he decided to chain me back. That little girl's age tells me that Shinji betrayed this ring not even a year after he gave it to me. He wants a withering doll for a wife? Fine, have her while you can. Keep on living your miserable life.

Oh, but things are never that simple, are they? No one is ever purely wrong in the same way no one is ever purely right. As afternoon turned to night, my rage subsided, and I took to lying on my sofa staring up at the ceiling. This is exactly why I left without saying anything. Rei was right when she told me my temper is an issue, and now that I'm calmer, I can see the reasoning in that child. Shinji said it himself – she was here, I wasn't. I believe him when he said that they're just friends now, and a large part of that must be due to the obligation they have to that child. But at one time, and this is key, he started to make a family without me. I can easily forgive the infidelity, and frankly I don't care about that. I did the exact same thing, probably far more often than he did. What bothers me is that there is now a little piece of him running around, and I had nothing to do with it. I would be a horrible mother, I know that very well, but the right to his genes was mine! She stole that from me, and it's not something that can be given back. Following that same logic, though, I suppose I need to move on.

The day exhausted me far more than I thought it did. I can't quite say when I dozed off, though I can say that the last time I looked at the clock, it read 8:00 PM. I awoke in a daze in the middle of the night, and that eerie, pure silence that only appears after midnight enveloped the home. With a whine, I sit up and rub my eyes, ashamed of the dreams I enjoyed. It was less than a minute before a folded note on the coffee table reading 'I'm sorry' got my attention.

"I should have told you," a squeak escapes my lungs as my head snaps to Misato sitting across the room, closing the book she was reading. Thoughts of what I did flooded my mind, and she saw the sadness I my eyes. I've never told her this, and I probably never will, but that woman is more of a mother to me than I've ever experienced. I love her for what she did for Shinji and me, and yet I likely would have killed her given the chance.

"You're fine… I lost it, no need to apologize," I lean back onto the sofa, rubbing my eyes in annoyance that she just let herself in unannounced, "I don't like that you lied to me, though. One angel? Rei told me everything. What was the point of that? You knew I'd find out eventually."

"That's what I'm apologizing for. I thought that all of this would be too much for you to handle at once, and in a way I was right, but that wasn't my call to make. Rei filled me in about your day. I really didn't want all of this falling on you at once, but here we are," the elephant in the room grew in size, but I really didn't feel like talking about that little girl.

"He's grown up a lot, you weren't kidding. I can still see my Shinji in there, though. I think you blew that out of proportion just a tad," with a laugh, she stands up and makes her way to the spot beside me on the sofa. Better to test the bear before hugging it, good plan, "What's so funny?"

"You haven't seen him in work-mode yet. Don't take anything personally, alright? He has to put on a persona, it's how he deals with everything we put him through. You'll be glued to his side tomorrow, we have a full day planned, and I can't say it'll be fun. I suggest you treat him like a subject for those hours. He immediately snaps out of jerk-Shinji once the day is over, so it'll be easier that way," for once, I'm taking a mental note of what she says. I've learned that trusting the woman usually ends well for me. Silence fell for a short while before I had the courage to break it.

"Misato?" her silence urged me to continue, "Be honest with me. Did he give up on me?" She clearly took her time to form the right words.

"He never gave up on you, but he did give in to Rei shortly after we went into isolation. That… didn't last, though. It's not my place to give you details, I'll leave that to them. I can tell you that she's not a threat, though. Not even a little bit." A tightening of my jaw told me it was time to start fighting back, though it was a losing battle.

"I missed him so much, Misato," a comforting arm drapes around my shoulders, and she allowed me to silently cry into her shoulder.

She didn't stay for very long after that. She allowed me to get the tears out of my system, and after some words of encouragement, she disappeared into the night. That woman is confident in Shinji and I, this is something that I need to trust. She knows him far better than I do right now, and when she tells me that he's still there for me, I must believe her. There's not much else I can do right now. There is absolutely a place for me in his life, it's just what Rei said – I have to find it, just like he found his place for me all those years ago.

The dried tears still remind me that they're there, and yet I'm walking to my bedroom with a smile on my face. Everything is going to be alright, I have all these people telling me so. Shinji's here, and I'm here. That's all that matters, everything else is just something we'll have to overcome together. We've taken down titans together, some emotional baggage is nothing. Changing into a long t-shirt and panties, I crawl into the unfamiliar smelling bed, making a mental note that I need to unpack my things tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I get to see him do what he does best, and afterwards, I get to spend time with him. Just a typical work day at Nerv.

It's funny how even after all these years, the Pavlovian conditioning Shinji put me through still kicks me awake. Pans clattering, the warm sweet smell in the air. He was here, and he was cooking. There was a time when I began every day like this, and I had honestly forgotten all about it. I allowed him his solitude for a time, if only to allow myself to bask in the sweet memories of our youth. Eventually, though, the promise of seeing him overwhelmed me, and I walked out rubbing my eyes and yawning. Such an imposing man should never wear an apron.

"Good morning sunshine," far more sarcasm than was really needed, but whatever. He saw my morning state, something only he and Misato were familiar with. Doesn't mean he has to point it out. He, on the other hand, was already clearly ready for work. Jeans tucked into durable military boots, topped by a tucked in tank top. It was a hilarious sight to see that outfit dawned with an apron.

"So does everyone have a key to my home, or just whoever asks?" I lean next to the stove so I can see his ever-determined face.

"I have the same clearance as my father, my key card works for every door in Nerv. I can stop cooking, if you want," cold eyes, small smirk. See? My Shinji is in there, he just wears a mask now.

"Oh no, please continue. Last time I had a decent breakfast, you made it. What time is it?" I glance around, looking for a wall clock, only to be disappointed, "Really? No clocks?"

"It's six, work starts at eight. I figured we could have breakfast before we start. We've got a long day ahead." Something that I've already noticed about him is how quickly his demeanor changes based off of anything. If he's talking about work, he is very matter-of-fact and direct with his points. If he's casual, he's sarcastic and speaks freely. He's able to immediately change his entire emotional state on a whim, and it's something that I envy quite a bit.

"You'll be leading the way, Captain. I promise that I'll behave today," the sternness in my voice made him do a double take at me, "Misato spoke to me last night. During work hours, we're strictly professional. What Nerv is doing clearly works, and I trust that. Show me the ropes, and I'll follow. Deal?" I hold out my fist to him, and with a face that was nothing short of relieved, his fist meets mine. "You seem like a person that likes a heads up, am I right?"

"When possible, yes. But I'm able to take things as they come." Casually, I walk over to the table and take my seat, awaiting my meal.

"Then here's your heads up. We're talking about your daughter when the day is over," in the first sign of weakness I've seen out of him since I got here, he drops the spatula into the pan, clearly surprised. His face didn't even come close to showing it, though.

"… Rei?"

"No, your little one spilt the beans. But don't worry, really. I'm fine, we'll talk about it later. I just didn't want to catch you off guard. So! What's for breakfast?" he regained his composure and went back to cooking.

"Nothing special. Eggs and a protein shake. We eat lunch early around here, so this is just for a burst of energy," and just like that, my hopes of a special breakfast were dashed.

"Seriously? Burst of energy? Eggs have, like, no carbs. In fact, the amount of cholesterol will actually make you crash. They're great for building muscle, not so great for a pick-me-up," he looks back at me with knowing eyes for a moment before going back to work.

"You've always been smarter than me. Good to see that hasn't changed."

"I've always been stronger than you, too. Good to see that's changed," I wink at him, flustering him quite a bit. I didn't notice just how fit he was yesterday – sure, I could feel it when I hugged him, but the long sleeve shirt hid everything. In that tank top… Jesus. The man is built like a wall.

"I'll pass on the shake, by the way. Good for those who work out, not so good for those of us who don't," he dishes out the food straight from the pan and onto my plate. Somehow, he's able to even make plain eggs look amazing, "You owe me a proper breakfast, by the way. I'm talking the works, like you used to do."

"That would have required me waking you up earlier, and you're not exactly a morning person. However, noted."

We ate in somewhat of an awkward silence, neither one of us quite knowing what to say to kick start a conversation. Our old mornings were when we had the best time out of the day. Talking about the previous night's sleep, plans for the day, how we're feeling. It was our morning ritual, something that was almost always spent with us and us alone. I was looking forward to that this morning, and the carrot dangling in front of me was thrown away. By the end of the meal, I must have had a disappointed look on my face, because he made a blatant attempt at lightening the mood.

"Tell me about your work. I know you're a doctor, but of what? You worked a lot with children, did you specialize in pediatrics?" Get the woman talking about herself, and everything falls after that. Good move, Shinji.

"I'm a physician – a doctor of internal medicine, an internist. That means I deal with just about everything before sending a patient to a specialist, if it comes to that. Diagnosing is a huge part of my job, and I rarely deal with a single issue. The disorders I handle usually affect multiple organ systems. Overall, though, I specialize in pediatrics, yes. I'm versed in cancers, though I wouldn't call myself a specialist. I can perform minor surgeries if it's an emergency, but I'm a far cry from those jocks in the operating room. What I do is more of a puzzle, think of it that way."

"A puzzle? But you said you're diagnosing. Those are all based on inferences, it's not as cut and dry as a puzzle," wow, the meathead knows a bit, doesn't he?

"True, but when you're good, most cases are black and white. Look at you," I lean back and cross my arms, smirking slightly, "You're clearly in the prime of your life. This is the strongest you're ever going to be. In about five years, it's all downhill from there. If I were your doctor ten years from now, I'd start to look for signs of premature aging. The human body wasn't meant to live past forty, but modern medicine has made living past a century fairly common. You've worn your body out already, especially with all your injuries. I expect you to suffer from heart disease when you're no longer able to work out as often. You're going to lose your vision faster than the rest of us, something that has already started to happen. Unfortunately, you're probably also going to get fat. You've been running your body at maximum for years, and the human body isn't so good at turning that off. But for now, however," I grip his forearm and smile softly at him, "You're in your prime."

He blushed, so easy to manipulate. At least that hasn't changed. While he was still eating, I excused myself to shower and put myself together. It occurred to me that he hasn't seen me actually ready for the day since I got here – it's all been casual clothes. No, he needs to be reminded of what he's missed. He's not the only one that's matured, not by a long shot. There's a very good reason why I was constantly courted back in Germany, and it wasn't exactly for my brain. Not a single blemish, not a single scar. I look photoshopped, and I'm damn proud of it. The shower was short lived, as I was far too excited for the day ahead. My first official day as his doctor, and I'm taking this very seriously. A blood red, button-up blouse paired with black slacks and heels adorned my body. Professional, yet tight enough to be seductive. I expertly slide on my lab coat as I exit my bedroom and enter the living room.

What met me caught me off guard, to say the least. Saying that Shinji was at peace is a vast understatement – he would have been more tense in the middle of sleep. In what was apparently a morning habit of his, he sat with crossed legs on the floor, leaning back against the sofa. They say meditation clears the mind, though I'm far from holistic in my approach to medicine. For him, though, it obviously works. His breathing rate would be considered dangerously slow under any other circumstance, at yet the full color of his lips told me his body was under no stress. Seeing him like this made me smile, it was the first time I've seen him purely at peace since I got here.

"It's not polite to stare," opening one eye, he looks up at me with an emotionless face.

"I just think you're cute, is all. What you're doing is very impressive, by the way. To be able to control your body like that is amazing," with a grunt, he stands up and stretches his arms above his head.

"I've had great teachers. You look beautiful, by the way," his words of compliment were somewhat degraded as he continued to stretch, popping a few joints as he did, "So here's what the day is going to look like. It's the beginning of the month, which means it's test time for my students. You're going to be their doctor, fix up anything that needs fixing. After that, we have lunch and then sync tests, you know the drill on those. Afterwards you can do what you want for an hour or two, I'll just be in the gym, and then the day is over. Pretty cut and dry." God, his work voice is worse than Misato's.

"Test? Students? Since when are you a teacher?" he smirks and shakes his head.

"Not a teacher, a trainer. I'm in charge of conditioning our pilots. In all, we have ten candidates. They all have experience piloting, and we rotate them as angels appear. Forewarning, you're instincts as a doctor are going to kick in. Just remember that they signed up for this, and what we're doing is a proven method. Not to mention, what I'm doing today is only once a month," he saw the confusion in my face, and he gave me that weak smile I've already grown accustomed to, "Okay, I'll show you. Come at me."

"Come at you? Like… try to hit you?"

"Yeah, emphasis on the try part. Trust me, you won't hurt me. Pretend I'm coming at you with a knife, do you best to beat the hell out of me," comically, he holds out his arms, and I don't make a move.

"I'm not going to hurt you, that's counterintuitive to my job," I cross my arms, and he just chuckles. Okay, now I'm pissed, "On the other hand, bruises heal."

What happened for those first few seconds amazed and, frankly, scared me. I'm no fighter, but my workout of choice in Germany was the punching bag. I can take care of myself if need be, but I was nothing but a toy to this man. He never even touched me, he just became a liquid, flawlessly making me punch thin air time and time again.

"Your eyes betray you," in a single motion, he broke the unspoken vow of not touching me, taking my arm after a failed thrown punch and seemingly teleporting behind me, restraining it behind my back, "Nice try though," he kissed my neck, and I couldn't help but let out a shiver. Upon releasing me, I whip around, already out of breath and now with butterflies in my stomach. "It's not about winning, it's about getting back up. That's what I'm trying to teach them. I could give you a few lessons some time," I couldn't say a word. Panting, hand on the spot where his lips met my neck, I could only stare at him. In an air of confidence, he made for the door, "Time to go."

I had immense difficulty shaking my shock. He was inhuman, I've never seen a person move like that. And he wasn't even trying! That was a scene straight out of a movie, and it didn't faze him in the least. It's only been five years, and he's clearly a master at… whatever _that_ was. I couldn't stop staring at him as we walked through the empty hallways. He had made his point, he showed me a sliver of what he was capable of, and he saw how it affected me. For that, he was clearly proud of himself.

"When I'm working," he began as we entered a wing I've never been to before, "You are not to interrupt. Not to be rude, but you are a doctor, not the trainer. These children's lives literally depend on what we're going to be doing today, just keep reminding yourself of that."

"Yeah, I know. Learning to pilot was never fun. Pinky swear," I hold out my little finger, but his stern look kept forward. Defeated, I lower my hand. Misato wasn't kidding – this was Work Shinji. No time for games.

We finally entered a workout area, littered with equipment and a boxing ring in the center. It was uncomfortably hot and humid, to the point that I'm certain it was done on purpose. The ten children he spoke of earlier were all socializing in the ring, laughing and shoving. None older than eighteen, I openly frowned at my own childhood. That informal air was quickly dissipated as Shinji entered the room – he demanded order with his silence, and the children immediately lined up at the edge of the ring. I quickly noticed that they clearly lined in in order of age, the youngest girl looking no older than twelve.

"This is Dr. Shikinami, my personal physician. She will be treating you today, should you choose to seek her out. You are not to talk to her, you are not to look at her. Eyes forward!" the older boys jumped out of their skin, and I felt their eyes leave my torso, "Doctor, your station is to the right. Should you need more supplies, there is a phone on the table. Let's get started," the last comment was clearly directed towards the group. We all began shuffling, them off the stage and me towards my table and bed. Stiches, staples, glues, gloves, gauze, tape, blood pressure cuff, pain killers, anti-inflammatories. I heart sank as I realized what this test was.

"Just a test, just a test," just a few cuts and bruises, nothing that won't heal. They signed up for this. They're protecting us.

"Same order. Let's go," Shinji climbs into the ring with that same confidence, and the oldest man follows him suit. He was certainly older than Shinji, pushing his late twenties, and build like a rugby player. Twice Shinji's weight, head and shoulders above him. Shinji narrowed his eyes up at the man, "Style?"

"Brawl," his voice gave away his nationality to be something European, though I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Try to actually touch me this time," with all the grace of a raged gorilla, the man charged at Shinji with a yell. In a repeat of my home, Shinji simply stepped to the side. Only this time, the man was met with a full swing to the ribs, sending a loud thud through the room. Shinji let out a grunt at the punch, clearly putting everything he had into it, though the man brushed it off like it didn't happen, "Your endurance increased. Good," the man swung to the side, forcing Shinji to jump backwards, "Your speed has not. That's bad," once again taking the opening, Shinji threw another full swing in the exact same spot, another thud echoing, "When your opponent has no Achilles Heel," another failed throw at Shinji, another punch to that spot, "You have to create one," repeated motion, the man's face was beginning to show pain, "And then keep at it!" somehow, Shinji manages to knock the brute off of balance, giving him ample time to land two more hard hits in the spot, finally forcing the man to cough at what must be broken ribs by now. The man falls to his knees, and Shinji uses his entire body swing into a kick, once again at the same spot. "All the strength in the world means nothing if you can't move. We're done here. I've had enough of you, pack your things, you're going back to the surface."

It took the man a few moments to gather his breath before standing and staring down at Shinji, clearly not done with this fight. It looked ridiculous – as strong as Shinji was, at the end of the day, he was still a relatively scrawny Japanese man. Yet he was able to look straight up at this hulk of a man, forcing his will upon the ape. With a growl, the man storms off, passing me and kicking the doors open in frustration.

"Next. Akira, you're up," Shinji cracks his neck and stretches his arms, clearly preparing for something more than what he just finished with. "Same as always?" Silently, the typical looking Asian man took a stance of a boxer. Shinji followed without question, "Same as always." Akira cautiously made his way to Shinji, and neither one made a move to punch.

"What's wrong? Still licking your wounds?" Shinji smirks, and jars forward in an empty threat to attack Akira. Predictably, Akira flinches, causing several students to laugh.

"Not so tough when it's not your girlfriend you're beating. Pathetic," that clearly struck a nerve in the man, and he finally made a move to Shinji. At this point, I've come to expect Shinji to avoid every punch, but he seems to have a grudge with Akira. Lowering his arms and holding them out to the side, he allowed Akira to absolutely ravage his torso with swift jabs, "Boxing isn't about being stronger, it's about being able to take more punishment," while his voice obviously shook with each punch, Shinji made no outward signs of feeling anything. With a grunt, Akira steps back, and Shinji held his pose with a cocky smirk.

"Freak!" I can't say I caught everything that happened. It was lightning, but the most I can infer is that Shinji dodged and threw his weight into a punch, landing square on Akira's jaw. Cold knockout, a single punch took out the man.

"Succeeded in speed and strength, failed in anger control. Someone fill him in when he wakes up. Next."

It went on like this time after time. The only time Shinji was ever hit is when he allowed it to happen, if only to prove a point. Each student had a different style of fighting, and Shinji was not only able to accommodate the varying styles, but he dominated them. It embarrasses me to admit that watching Shinji demand his alpha status infatuated me. When I found myself thinking of the intimate physical beatings back in Germany, I forced myself to shake all thoughts.

This went far beyond physical torment, however. What I believe was worse for the students what how Shinji spoke to them. In the same way he hit a sore spot with Akira, he pushed every single student. Saying that their dead parents would be disappointed in them. Calling them a waste of food. Reminding them that they are, indeed, alone in this world. It clearly produced the desired effect in all of them, as they all fought with everything they had.

I honestly feel bad for these students. Each one clearly hated Shinji, and yet they couldn't do anything about it. He made a fool out of each and every one of them on their own playing ground. Both the brute and Akira got off easy – after Shinji had warmed up, he held nothing back. Severe beatings awaited anyone who fought back, and the fear of being sent away loomed over them if they didn't. What surprised me the most, though, is that all students denied my help. One boy, about seventeen in age, mumbled something about Shinji's daughter during the fight. I didn't catch what he said, but he was left with a dislocated jaw and a gash across his lip. I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder, urging him to come see me, only to have him blatantly ignore me. He may have been the worst, but he was far from the only one that could have used my help. One by one, they all took their cuts and bruises in pride, and they all ignored me. Finally, only the young girl was left, and a look of determination on her face that reminded me of myself radiated off of her.

"Shinji," I speak up as the young girl enters the ring, throwing her cartoon t-shirt to the side to reveal a white tank top and training bra, "We need to talk." With the look of a wolf in his eyes, he silently passed his whispering students and hurried over to me. I understand what he's doing, and frankly I agree with a lot of it, but there has to be a line.

"Absolutely not now. I told you that-"

"I don't care," I mimic his half whisper, half yelling tone, and I matched his ferocity in my eyes, "You're a grown man about to beat the hell out of a little girl. Don't tell me you're alright with this." The crazed look in his eyes was complimented perfectly by the now-dried blood in the corner of his mouth, and for a moment, I honestly think he considered striking me. He clearly saw my determination, though, and took a deep sigh.

"Dr. Shikinami is concerned," raising his voice, he turns to the group, "About two things. For one, she's here for a reason. Get yourselves treated. You're useless to us if your wounds become infected. And two…" he laughs as he crosses his arms, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "And two, she's worried about our little Mika." Silence fell over the room, and Akira finally broke it by failing to contain a laugh. The other students, Mika notably absent, quickly followed suit. "Mika! Are you scared of me?"

"No, sir." Such a sweet voice… her short black hair enveloped her face, slightly covering her eyes, but I could have sworn she was staring me down.

"Are you worried that I'm going to hurt you?" he began walking back towards her, and the students stepped aside as if he were Moses.

"No, sir." Damn it, Shinji! Listen to me!

"See, you should be. The kind Dr. Shikinami just spoke on your behalf, and you know what happens when you ask for mercy." Her fists clench as he enters the ring, and now I'm certain she was staring at me. "Style?" She took her time turning away from me and towards him, and the familiar feeling of nausea began to overtake me. I don't think I can watch Shinji do this…

"Don't play games with me!" her voice began as a whisper, but by the end, she was screaming and running towards him with a cocked fist. Predictably, she missed, and Shinji side-stepped to knock her feet from under her. He succeeded, though she was completely unfazed, turning the fall into a forward summersault and giving her distance from him. That mild mannered girl was more than vocal as she fought, screaming through every punch she threw at him. Just as every other contestant, Shinji effortlessly dodged every swing with a smile on his face. Finally, he lands his fist square into her chest, sending her halfway across the ring with a grunt. My head was turned before she even landed, and his footsteps were well on their way to her before I looked again.

"Mika, are you done alrea-" that damn man was so confident, hands on his hips and a smile on his face as he looked down at the girl he was beating. Even I felt like cheering when both of her heels met his jaw. He recoiled, hand on his already bleeding mouth, and she took the opening. She was far too short to properly punch him in the face while he stood, but his kneeled over state offered her two very well placed blows. She tried for a third, only to have him catch her wrist and stand up, holding her in the air like a doll. She screamed before he even punched her ribs, clearly knowing what was coming. He drew back for another swing, and she quickly taught me that fighting dirty was apparently permitted. Using her free hand to lift herself up, she bit down on his wrist. With all the skill of a monkey, she managed to climb over him and onto his back, wrapping her small arm around his neck and pulling back with the other. Her face turned red at how hard she was struggling, and Shinji quickly turned a similar shade. She held him there for what seemed like an eternity, to the point that I was beginning to actually worry. It couldn't have been more than fifteen seconds, though, as Shinji regained his composure and threw himself onto his back, crushing her under his weight.

Her grip obviously released, and he stood above her with a hand on his neck, panting. I thought her to be unconscious at first, but once again I was proven wrong when she struggled to her feet. Both opponents stood there, panting and staring at each other, and the room was completely silent. Shinji was actually trying with her. He was legitimately trying to hurt her, and she was giving him a run for his money. No other opponent even held a candle to this little girl, I just didn't understand it. It must be her size, there's no other explanation. He can't handle how small she is. No, that's giving her too little credit. The girl's a badass, pure and simple.

"This is getting out of hand, Mika," he spoke to her between pants, and she moved into a fighting stance with shaking hands.

"Only because you're losing," while she was tough, she was at her limit. She was bluffing, and everyone knew it. Shinji had endurance above all else, and he could keep this up for hours. She could not. Her rage overtook her, however, and she charged at him. A side step, a grabbed wrist, a swift punch to the upper arm, and it was over. Her scream echoed in the gym, and I was instantly reminded of my basement. She fell to her knees, holding the broken arm and crying openly, though silently, to herself. I don't think Shinji saw my face of disgust at him, but I wish he had.

"Out of ten of you, one was expelled, and eight were given another chance. Mika," she looked up at him, tears still running down her face and anger in her eyes, "Congratulations, we're done here." In an act that did nothing but confuse me, her tear framed face slowly turned into an ear-to-ear smile. The other students applauded, and Shinji exited the ring, "Everyone, get cleaned up and rest. You've earned it."

I'm not sure where Shinji went after that, but a line of smiling, chatting students came my way. Now that their teacher wasn't watching, they were all too eager to take any pain medications I had as well as any help I suggested. The ones that required stitches had no qualms with me taking a needle to them then and there – endurance testing is clearly part of the regiment here. Now that Shinji wasn't around, they acted like perfectly normal children and young adults. They've learned his dual persona, and while I can't speak to how healthy that is, it must work for them. I'm a doctor, though, not a psychologist. I felt more than a little awkward at first, having just watched Shinji inflict every single one of these injuries, but the acted like it was just as normal as breathing. Just another day on the job. I loosened up as time went on, and they took to drilling me with questions of their own.

"How long have you known Ikari?"

"Aren't you a little young to be a doctor?"

"Can you teach me German?"

"Why haven't I seen you before?"

They were all so sweet! My patients were always on death's door, or at the very least grumpy from spending all their time in a hospital. These kids were coming down from an adrenaline rush, and I found myself akin to Santa Claus as they took turns sitting on my lap… so to speak. One by one, I bandaged up what I could and sent those who needed it to the hospital for splints or x-rays. Finally, a little girl I didn't know was waiting reached the front of the line, eyes down and hand still holding her arm.

"Oh, honey," I frowned down at her, "You have to go to the hospital for that. I can't do much here. Come on, I'll walk you," I held out my hand in offering, but she ignored me.

"Thank you," her words barely above a mumble, but I got the message. "Can I…" she finished her sentence, though I was a long way away from hearing it. I kneel down somewhat, meeting her at eye level.

"One more time?" Silence, "Here." I lean in and place a hand over her mouth and my ear. She gets the point, and makes her request. Even with one arm, that's the best hug I've had in awhile.

It amazed me how Shinji was able to absolutely ravage these children, only to sit down with them at lunch as if nothing happened. No, he was far from socializing like the others, but the very fact that he was even in the cafeteria with us surprised me. After the gym, he took his shower and put himself back together, meeting us in the lunch room well into our meal. A few of those he particularly did damage to were absent, either having casts fit or digital imaging done. But as a whole, they didn't seem to hold a grudge, not in the least. These students who were not long ago actively trying to kill their teacher were now sitting at a figurative round table, sharing a meal of steak and vegetables.

Shinji, of course, sat next to me. I fully expected him to be angry with me regarding my interruption, but he must feel that he made his point, because he seemed to harbor no ill will. I largely stayed silent, not quite sure how to handle this situation. Finally, the silence in me was broken when one of the boys, Jason I think his name was, stumbled through his freshly learned Japanese.

"Dr. Shikinami, you marry?" he pointed at my hand, and I feel my face heat up. A small handful of them saw this and let out a mortifying 'ooooo!'

"Not married, engaged," Shinji saved me from a reply as he took a bite of food. Silence ensued, and he obviously did not pick up on what he just implied. Eyes shifted from me, to Shinji, and back to me. All at once, it seemed as if it clicked with the children.

"Ikari has a wife!" Oh God… I bow down and shield my face at the now-standing boy who just echoed through the cafeteria. Thank God it's empty in here. I hear Shinji cough next to me on the bite of food he just took, "The statue has a heart after all!" Laughter erupted, and Shinji cleared his throat. Like well trained dogs, they immediately silence themselves.

"Having something to fight for is what has kept countless soldiers alive. Once you have nothing, you're useless to me. The only reason you're all alive is because I fight for her. I suggest you all find something you care enough about to put your life on the line," Such a level tone, so blatant with his point. He didn't see the surprise on my face as I looked up at him, but the others saw my blush deepen. Even if it wasn't directed at me, that was the first time since I've arrived that he said anything even approaching romantic. I was scared that he had grown away, but no, distance made him more persistent. Finishing his meal, he wipes his mouth with a napkin and takes a breath.

"I started piloting when I was fourteen, and I absolutely hated it. I hated it right up until a few years ago. My first kill was to protect Ms. Ayanami – for a time, she was who I fought for, because she was frankly a terrible pilot. Then one day a hot-blooded Euro quite literally fell from the sky, killing an angel before she even hit the ground. Not an exaggeration, by the way. She was so arrogant. She had trained since childhood. She was stronger than me, faster than me, smarter than me. I didn't hold a candle to her, and she knew it. And oh, we fought like a cat and mouse. Again, she was far stronger than me. We lived under Ms. Katsuragi's roof together right up until high school graduation. Literally the first night together, she kicked me in the face. Hard. I thought that girl was absolutely insane." A few snickers were let out, and I finally lost my blush.

"He was a peeping tom, he deserved it."

"I was in the kitchen, and you ran out of the shower because of a bird. Regardless, I quickly found myself fighting for her. I'm not sure why I started, but it just happened. We spent the majority of our teenage years together, and while she still infuriates me sometimes, I still fight for her. Every time I get in my Eva, I'm thinking of her. I love this woman, and the only way I can show it is by piloting. We live in a horrible world, we're forced to do horrible things. But if you have someone you can lean on, you somehow believe everything will be alright." The few girls at the table were all just short of swooning, and my face was once again framed by a blush. I wore it with pride, though, as I smiled to myself. Misato was wrong. Shinji is very much still there, he just doesn't like to show it. That speech was for them, but it's something that I don't think I'll ever forget.

"Whoa…" Akira looked the most shocked out of anyone as he stared at his teacher. I'm sure this is the first glimpse of his emotions they've ever gotten.

"Alright, we're done for today. We're supposed to go in for sync tests, but your crap performances today made me knock you down more notches than I expected. You're excused for the rest of the day, take tomorrow off to heal. After that, we're back to the grindstone," he stands up sends an almost invisible smile down to me, "Ready, Asuka?" I heard them frantically whispering to each other as we walked away, hand-in-hand.

The plan was to relax in my home – watch a movie, eat some popcorn. That was his plan, at least. No, that little speech of his deserved a reward, not to mention that I haven't indulged myself since we met. My door closed, and I attacked him with all the pent up endorphins from the past five years. This is where my old Shinji shined through the brightest. His kiss is a carbon copy of what it once was. He was gentle, embracing, real. When he kissed me, I knew it was only for me. I started the kiss off rough, unable to hold myself back, be he redirected us into a passionate hug with locked lips. A man coming home from war to see his wife, that is what we shared in my living room. He held me so tight, so frantically tight, as if I would be ripped away from him at any moment. I tried to mimic this, only to find my grip failing in comparison to his. No, it's his strength that's going to keep us together now. The dynamic has shifted in that way.

"Shinji, I missed you so much. I missed you so much," my hand on the back of his head as he kissed my neck, I spoke to the ceiling, "I was so stupid. I left. I left you, I left piloting, I abandoned everything."

Leaning back with a sweet smile, we got lost in each other's eyes, "I'm glad you left. You came back ten times the woman. You care for people, you've made it your job to lessen suffering. You're… amazing," bloody flashbacks of my basement saddened my eyes, and his immediately worried face told me he saw this, "Asuka?" I shake my head with a smile. He can't ever know, never.

"Nothing, sorry. I'm just taken back," I could almost see the arousal leave my body. Just like that, I no longer wanted him. Not with those thoughts in my head, "Can we… talk? Come on," I grow a wickedly fake smile and take his hand to the sofa. He falls for it, and I'm more than happy about that. Completely seamlessly, as if we do this every night, he sits down and I lay on my back with my head on his lap, our left hands entwined on my stomach, "Okay, spill it. You're chatty today, I'm taking advantage of that. Tell me anything. Your piloting, the angels, your daughter, the two stooges, anything. Tell me about Shinji." His eyes narrowed towards the wall, clearly thinking of something profound. Please tell me about Rei. Tell me about Rei. Tell me about Rei. Finally, something clicks, and he smiles.

"I'm piloting your Eva, now. Unit-01 was destroyed a long time ago. You'll be happy to know it's still red," with an annoyed look on my face, I slap his chest.

"Idiot, tell me about your daughter. That's the biggest thing to happen since I left."

"Oh…" the smiling face softened to that unreadable demeanor, "Well, Yui is… very much like Rei. At least the modern-day Rei. Outgoing, loud, full of energy," they named it after his mother? That's sweet, I guess, "She's so smart, Asuka. Her and Rei, they talk about everything. Yui has this insatiable desire to learn. She doesn't want us to read her night time story books, she wants us to read her lower level text books. She loves the ocean. Well, what the ocean used to be. Remember the field trip we took? She's gone four times in the last year. The penguins are her favorite," the smile slowly faded back as he spoke, and I found myself lost in the man bragging about his daughter. He went on and on, he was clearly a proud father. He truly loved that girl, though he never once said it. This is a side of him I didn't know existed. He's cold, yes, but that girl has a spot in his heart.

"She looks exactly like Rei, it's wild. I mean, I can see you in there, but it's mostly her," once again, the smile disappears, "Why do you keep doing that?" I'm sick of this, he's not telling me something. There is obviously something bothering him, and the fact that he's not telling me is driving me insane, "You're allowed to talk about her. I'm not angry. I mean yeah, it's weird, but I'm fine."

"Rei's dying."

So frank, as if talking about the weather. He made no effort to his the sadness in his eyes, and I had to look away from that pitiful face, "I know. Cancer? Kidneys, liver?"

"We don't even know anymore. All of it. Her body is just… shutting down. One day very soon, she's not going to wake up in the morning. We've tried preparing Yui for it, but… you know. She's three. She can't comprehend mortality. Her mother is dying, and she's going to be alone," he sighed a shaking breath with eyes closed, "You can say no. Understand that it won't bother me, I get it. Would you like to have dinner with them tonight?" I reach up, put a hand on his face, and do my best to give a confirming smile. Please, believe me.

"I'd love to."

This wasn't my plan in the least. I wanted him when we got back to my home. For the first damn time since I got here, I wanted him to myself. But it wasn't in the cards, I suppose. In retrospect, what we did instead was far more important. I think I understand where he's coming from, now. The way he talks about Rei and Yui, I honestly believe that he has checked out from Rei. There may have been a time when he looked at her how he looks at me, but that time is long past. There will probably come a time that he and I will raise Yui as our own, and while I'm not at the point of accepting that just yet, I'm getting there.

I allowed him to rest. Even Superman needs to recover after hours of fighting. It was hardly three in the afternoon when we sat on the sofa, and I urged him to get some shut eye before dinner tonight. For now, I'm content staring up at his peaceful face. It's hard to believe that I haven't even been here a full two days, but in all, I think I'm already starting to adjust. Everyone told me just how much has changed, and I'm at the point now that I expect differences. Learning to roll with it, that's the name of the game. What I saw Shinji do today would have been horrific out of context, but he obviously cares for those students, particularly Mika. They're making the best out of a bad situation, and I commend each and every one of them for that. Misato warned me about today, and in certain aspects, she was right. Work Shinji is quite different from Normal Shinji, but today he shined through in a way that makes me feel a familiar warmth inside. I'm confident now. I'm confident that everything is going to be alright, if not a little rocky.

Some time passed before, frankly, I got bored. He's fine here alone, there's really no need for me to be here. Let him rest, I'll come wake him up in a couple hours. Silently thanking how quiet these doors are, I slide out of my home and roam the hallways, sans lab coat. I haven't yet familiarized myself with the residential district of Nerv, and the more I walk, the more I'm surprised. Cafes, libraries, shops, the works. If you know where to look, you can find just about anything in here. Occasional corners are dawned with maps reminiscent of mall guides, taking away from the homey feeling they were trying to instill. I eventually found my place in an empty self-serve coffee lounge, my barista being a machine lined with buttons. Hot coffee, as hot as you can get it. No cream, no sugar, please.

"I'm not sure why I'm surprised you take it black," how could I have missed her? Rei just happened to be tucked in the far corner with a book in her hand. Her eyes were still tracing the page as she spoke. This girl's multitasking ability is just creepy…

"Please tell me you take it with plenty of cream. Red, blue. Angry, calm. Bitter, sweet. I'd like to think we still have that dynamic." I finally made her smile!

"I prefer tea, but yes, I take cream with it," she set her book down as I sit in the chair across from her, "How was today? I heard Shinji did a number on a few of them."

"That's an understatement," rolling my eyes, I try to forget their screams, "But I get it. Mika graduated, or something. They never really explained it, but she was very happy. Her arm will take awhile to heal, though."

"Yeah, Nerv is abuzz about her. It's a bigger deal than you know. See, we rotate out our pilots, with Shinji always being a permanent staple. She's got a little more general training to do, but Shinji's approval means she's now a staple as well. She'll now face every angel right alongside him. Very impressive, if you ask me. He's been training her for a little over three years now, but we still don't know too much about her. She managed to wander into the Geofront one day, we have no idea how she did it. Long story short, Shinji took her under his wing, and the rest is history," a graceful sip of her tea softened her eyes and put a smile on her face, "I also heard about his little speech. I told you he can still be sweet."

"Yeah, though I would have preferred that to be private. Whatever, I still enjoyed it. I didn't know he had a crush on you back in the day! Birds of a feather, I suppose." Still smiling, she shook her head.

"No, he was just gravitated to me." What an odd thing to say. How could she possibly know that? "By now I'm sure you know about me. Either he told you or, more likely, you inferred it. My appearance doesn't do much to hide what's going on." Given the fact that she was still smiling and speaking so calmly, I was put at ease. It made an otherwise difficult statement easier to follow up.

"Have you sought help?" still calmly, she shook her head, "I know, stupid question. What stage are you?"

"I think I've got more rebellious cells than ones that behave," she chuckled, and I frowned, "Cancer of the everything. Started off with my liver, but others followed shortly after. Kidneys, stomach, white blood cells, bones. I'm a walking medical journal. I've stopped bothering to go to the doctor."

"You know I'd advise against that. At the very least, they could prolong your life." She raised her eyebrows in mild surprise at what I said – surprise that I said it, not at the information.

"What, and have Yui see me hooked up to life support like some experiment? No, I'd rather allow her the satisfaction of mommy just not waking up one day. She doesn't need any more turmoil. She'll mourn, but she's young. She will adjust quickly." Rei has clearly spent lengths thinking about this, as she should. She's at peace with it, though I don't have the heart to tell her that Shinji is not, "But enough of that. Would you like to have dinner with us tonight? I was going to ask you last night before Yui spilt the beans."

"Shinji already asked me, and I said I'd love to. Do you two have dinner every night?" She must have sensed the jealousy in my voice. At the very least, I heard it.

"Well, yeah. Purely for Yui's sake, we're trying to give her as much of a normal life as possible. We even got rooms right next to each other. Yui lives with me, but Shinji is always right next door. We tried living together for a time, but it was just too weird…" her voice trailed off at the end, and I finally decided that I have had enough.

"Rei, you need to be straight with me here. There's something going on between you and Shinji. He can't talk about you without looking like his kitten died, and you keep making comments like that. If you guys were together, fine, whatever. I'm seriously alright with it, but I think I deserve to know," she stared down at the wisps of steam from her coffee, that typical blank expression on her face, "Rei." She looked at my determined face. I'm not angry in the least, but the sternness in my voice should let her know that I'm not backing down.

"After you two were cut off, he went into a pretty deep depression," apparently she's having this conversation with her tea, but at least I get to listen in, "I was worried. It was never a secret how I felt about him, but I gave you two your space. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy when you disappeared from the picture. So I took your place, and we were happy. Well, as happy as we could be. Our lives weren't the best, but we had each other. Our relationship grew, and I allowed him to be my first and only. We were so excited to break the news to everyone. Misato was the first to know, and she immediately took charge of planning the baby shower. We had names picked out, our home was being built here in Nerv, and things were looking up." She paused for what seemed like an eternity, just staring down at her tea. Look at me, damn it! Be an adult about this!

"Rei…"

"He let us date, he knew what we were doing," she weakly laughed as she shook her head, "We made no secret about it. He drove us to our first date for Christ sake. But he waited. Gendo waited, and when he knew there was no turning back, that's when he decided to sit us down. I was just beginning to show my belly when Shinji and I were called into that damn office of his. He said he didn't think it would get this far, and that he was ashamed. How did he think we felt?" another long pause, but by now, I've learned to keep my mouth shut, "Yui, Shinji's mother, went missing. I still don't know the details, but she's gone. Gendo needed a disposable pilot for his Evas, and her body proved to be just as good as any other. Turns out replicating a body isn't very difficult, it's just that the replicas aren't durable. We named our daughter Yui because, at the end of the day, it's mostly her. That's why she looks so much like me; three-fourths of her genes are the same as mine, and Shinji's mother. And there's the story of little miss Yui Ayanami," with a gulp, she finishes her tea and finally looks at me with glassy eyes. I did my best to contain myself, though there wasn't much I could do. None of this sounded real, I was completely taken back. The story was ripped from the pages of a sci-fi novel, and the result is probably napping down the hall right now.

"Rei, I… I don't know what to say. Everything you've been through, it's unthinkable." Calmly, she took my left hand and played with the wedding band. Her hand was freezing, but it's not like I could deny her. Words fail me, for once in my life.

"Someday very soon, Yui will be left with only her father. By proxy, she'll also be left with whoever her father is with. It may be you, it may be another woman, it may be no one. But regardless of the outcome, I'll very quickly become a distant memory to her. I won't see her off on her first day of elementary school, I'll miss her first lost tooth, I'll never even get to see her unwrap her gifts this birthday," a silent tear fell from her face and onto the table. She didn't so much as show a quivering lip, and yet that sadness was infectious. I felt my eyes welling as she continued to play with my ring, "She's my little girl, Asuka, and she won't even remember me."

Finally, the dying woman in front of me lost it. She held my ring to her face and began to cry into the back of my hand. It wasn't long before I found myself across the table, holding her and allowing her to cry into my shoulder. She was remarkably silent, though her jolting body told me everything I needed to know. My entire life, I can't remember crying on the behalf of someone else. I felt wildly uncomfortable in my own skin. I know very well what she was implying through all of that. I'm likely going to end up becoming Yui's mother, and Rei knows it. I took her husband, and now I'm taking her daughter. I very much doubt that she holds any resentment towards me, but seeing me in the flesh these past two days must have brought all of this out. After what may have been an eternity, she calmed down and pulled back, immediately wiping her tears with a napkin.

"I'm sorry, just…" as she cleaned her face, she paused at my smile, "Thank you."

"You're wrong, you know. I lost my mother when I wasn't much older than Yui, and I still remember her. Granted, they aren't fond memories, but my point stands," I force a smile out of her as I stand up to walk over to the machine, "Any chance this thing serves scotch? I think we could both use one or five." And there's a chuckle.

I left her after that. She had just gotten off from work and was taking a rest before picking up Yui from day care, we just happened to end up on a massive tangent. I truly believe that what we just went through was healthy for her. She cares about Shinji far too much to allow him to see that kind of anguish in her. She'd like him to believe she's dying peacefully, and he'll probably remain in that naïve state until something forces otherwise. I found myself wandering the halls, if for no other reason than to kill time. I needed time alone, and my room wasn't much of an option at the moment. My mind is going faster than I'd like it to – to say I'm emotionally exhausted is an understatement. I'm not even tired, but I would kill for a good, long nap. But there's no way I could fall asleep right now. Things will die down eventually, they have to.

What's creating a flicker of fear in me is how I'm already seeing my emotional state change now that I'm finally around Shinji. He was my obsession, and I idolized the idea of him back in Germany. Now that I have him, aspects of my life are coming to light. Just a week ago, I was able to explain away everything I had done over the last half-decade. I had my reasons, and no one had the right to tell me I was wrong. Now, though… at the very least, I was a slut, and at worst, I was a monster. Two days is all it took for me to begin regretting what I've done, and it scares me to think how I'll feel months from now. All the healing in the world can't take away what these hands have done. I laughed at her when she begged, those were my favorite moments. With true sincerity, I belly laughed at her cries for help. What if Shinji found out about this? What if he doesn't forgive me?

Why do I only care about the consequences it'll have on me?

Shove it out of your mind, Asuka. What's done is done, I can't change it if I wanted to. And frankly, I don't. I would have gone insane – better her life than mine. I have something to live for, after all. No, none of it matters anymore. He'll never find out, and I can live with my skeletons.

Rei could certainly use my help, I decided. I'm not doing anything else, so I may as well at least try to aid her in the kitchen. That's assuming Shinji doesn't take on that role, but I'm beginning to think that he's given up cooking. Too bad, he had a real talent. My finger compressed the doorbell, and I was greeted by the door sliding open to reveal Rei in the kitchen, working on a pot.

"Nice lady!" that adorable girl caught my attention below me, clearly having been the one to open the door, "Are you the guest? Mommy! Is this the special guest?"

"Don't be rude Yui, greet her. You haven't even introduced yourself," wow, strict mother. I like it. The girl snaps into her proper mode and bows like a good Japanese child.

"I'm sorry. My name is Ayanami Yui. Welcome," with the same smile I greet all children with, I kneel down and hold out my hand.

"This is how my people greet. Give me your hand," with all the uncertainty I would expect, she loosely puts her hand in mine. Shaking hands with a toddler is always a messy affair, "My name is Shikinami Asuka. But you can call me Asuka."

"You talk funny," I couldn't help but laugh. When working with children, you learn very quickly that they usually mean no harm in the phrases they use. Living here, I very much doubt she's heard very many European accents. After that long in Germany, I was bound to develop an accent again. Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still fluent after all these years.

"Entschuldigung, ich komme aus Deutschland," she erupts in excited laughter at my trick. I return her excitement as I stand up and welcome myself, "Sorry to intrude, I figured you could use some help. Children are a handful, and cooking doesn't really help."

"Oh, no worries. She keeps to herself at this hour. God forbid I interrupt her," I look back at the child in time to see her sitting in front of the television. Old footage of blue oceans and mammoth sea creatures were accompanied by a man with a stereotypical documentary voice. Whales, apparently. Looks fake to me. "I'm actually almost done. Shinji gave me this recipe awhile ago, I think he said it was German. Stroganov, is it? It was very easy to make."

"Russian, but close enough. Big angry people, people get us confused all the time," it actually did smell delicious. The noodles were just now being strained, while the sauce, mushrooms, and beef were simmering in a nearby pan, ready to be served.

"There's a bottle of wine in the fridge, glasses are in the cabinet to the right. I picked it up on the way home. Don't try to be polite, help yourself. I know I will be," can't say I'm much of a wine person, but it'll do. I pour us a pair of glasses, and we lean against the counter as she finishes. She really is a graceful woman, even with the smallest gestures. The way she drinks perfectly proper, letting the liquid settle on her tongue before swallowing. Obviously Gendo's conditioning, I remember how she used to act around him.

"Has Shinji come over yet? I can go get him, he fell asleep in my house… room? What do you call these, anyway? That's been bugging me."

"No, but I texted him. He'll see it when he wakes up. We call them rooms, by the way. Most of us don't have much more than that – even what you see here is considered quite large. The majority of residents live in what equates to a unit apartment. Though I'm sure you're used to much more accommodation, hm?" she raises an eyebrow as she takes another sip. Her room was certainly quite a bit smaller than mine – a large living room was connected to the kitchen, separated by an island counter. Three closed doors lined the square floor plan.

"Yeah, but I hated it. The house I bought, I fell in love with it in the walkthrough. I was just starting to make real money, and on a whim, I bought it. Fast forward a year, and I never even went into the vast majority of the rooms. Some were never even decorated, I just didn't have enough stuff. The bigger the house, the lonelier it is. This isn't me bragging – it was literally a mansion. Like, by definition. Tackiest decision I ever made," such a sweet laughing voice… Jesus, why am I noticing these things? Half a glass gone already?

"So like you to complain about being filthy rich. Oh no, my paycheck has too many zeros! What ever shall I do?"

"Donate over half to orphanages," I wink at her as I take another swig, and she sends a sweet smile my way.

"You know I'm just teasing, I know all about your good deeds. You deserved every Euro. Thirsty, are we?" hey, it's not like she's not keeping up.

"Maybe I've had a rough couple days, sue me."

It went on like this for some time, and I had an absolute blast. We never really considered each other friends, we were merely peers. After we both grew up a bit, though, we clicked perfectly. Just a natural relationship, we didn't have to force a conversation. This wasn't something I had the chance to enjoy since my time with Hikari, and I savored every moment of it. I can see why Shinji used to love this woman. Time got away from us, and by the time Yui was asking when dinner was, two hours and half a bottle had passed. It was then that we realized Shinji still wasn't around, and Rei immediately dawned an angry face.

"He better have a good excuse," she took her phone from her pocket, and began to frown at the missed text messages, "Damn it. He tried calling awhile ago, my phone was on silent. Hold on," we were both feeling the effects of our shared drinks, so I wasn't expecting her to actually get angry. Annoyed, sure, but nothing we can't roll along with. She finished listening to the voicemail and sighed, "Something about sync tests, he won't be home until late. I guess we're eating without him. Again."

"Hey, no worries. We'll make it a girl's night! I still see half a bottle there, after all. Let's eat, I'm starving," my words calmed her, and for that I was thankful. Yui, being the perfect child she was proving to be, expertly helped us set the table. With all puns intended, I pour her a glass of grape juice. Her excitement at drinking a grown-up drink was too much for her to contain.

"What do you say?" we take our seats, Rei at the head and Yui across from me.

"Thank you Asuka!"

Dinner was absolutely wonderful. Yui filled us in on everything she learned from the show, in impressive detail I may add. I could listen to that child for hours, she was the definition of adorable. Young enough to still be completely innocent, old enough to actually have a conversation with. In these few years, Rei has already proven herself to be a wonderful mother. Wondergirl, as it were. We all took turns telling the highlights of our day, what I assumed to be a ritual at this table. My highlight wasn't exactly G-rated, but the second place was synonymous with Rei's. Our time in the kitchen. For Yui, it was finding that mommy had packed an extra pudding for lunch. Yui and I had our own little conversation, her asking me what I did for a job and how I knew her dad. Her focus was life across seas, though. Her hopes were dashed when I told her that, yes, the oceans are red over there as well. To cheer her up, a few taught German phrases would do the trick just nicely.

It's a broken family, there is no denying that. The history at this table is more than anyone would dare to guess, and to agree with Rei, it was disgusting. But they were happy, which is more than most families can say. They have a wonderful daughter together, and nothing can ever take that away. The two of them excused themselves while Rei got her ready for bed, and I took the time to clean the kitchen. Soon enough, we were back at the bottle, trying to keep our laughs quiet as to not disturb Yui.

"So I decided to take a shower, just trying to get away from these two freaks. Misato didn't even try to hide that she was a drunk, and Shinji – oh, Shinji was wearing an apron. Can you believe that? What fourteen year old boy wears an apron? Anyway, I was just grabbing my shampoo when I felt a sharp jab on my lower back. There this freaking bird was, just staring at me as if I had interrupted his sauna. Like I was the odd one! And he wasn't small, Rei. Scared the hell out of me. I think that was the first time Shinji saw a girl, because he was passed out before I even hit him," the bottle was long gone, and we had retired to the sofa as we exchanged stories from years past. The end of mine sent her into a hard laugh, and it was infectious. What wasn't, though, was the laugh turning into a cough. The humor left her face as she tried to contain herself, and I quickly found myself following her to the sink. She had too much to drink, great… she slowly got herself under control as I patted her back, though the vomit I expected never came.

"That's… new…" she opened her hand she was using to cover her mouth, and we both recoiled at the sheer amount of red. "Asuka…?" I've never seen that silent panic in her eyes before, and I pray that I never have to again.

A/N – Longer chapter this time! Almost double the normal length, actually. Oh well, the points I wanted got across. I hope you're enjoying reading as much as I am writing. Thanks to those of you who take the time to review, it's always appreciated. Fuel for us writers, and all. Until next time, keep on keepin' on!


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